Time for a cull

Sunday Times: Dangerrrr: cats could alter your personality

They may look like lovable pets but Britain's estimated 9m domestic cats are being blamed by scientists for infecting up to half the population with a parasite that can alter people's personalities.

The startling figures emerge from studies into toxoplasma gondii, a parasite carried by almost all the country's feline population. They show that half of Britain's human population carry the parasite in their brains, and that infected people may undergo slow but crucial changes in their behaviour…

The [Stanley Research Medical I]nstitute has already published research showing that people infected with the toxoplasma parasite are at greater risk of developing schizophrenia and manic depression…

[Professor Jaroslav Flegr of Charles University in Prague] also discovered that people infected with toxoplasma had delayed reaction times—and are at greater risk of being involved in car accidents. "Toxoplasma infection, could represent a serious and highly underestimated economic and public health problem," he said.

Would we put up with this shit from any other species?

Remember the recent British foot and mouth crisis? Millions of animals that were no direct threat to human beings were slaughtered. So why treat these parasite-infested, bird-butchering moggie vermin any differently? They are a menace to society, and to the environment.

Someone should do something.

See also:

(Do you spot a theme developing here?)

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The word is out / You're doin' wrong / Gonna lock you up /Before too long… Who's bad?

Or, to put it another way:

Billy Jean is not his lover,
He went to bed with her little brother…

Yes, that's right, Michael Jackson has moonwalked out of court an unconvicted man. Who'd have thought it? I certainly didn't: I had a Wacko Jacko Stir Tally all set and ready to go.

Hey-ho!

Anyway, talking of Michael Jackson, I somehow forgot to tell you about the following conversation which took place between my dad, my mum and I late one Tuesday evening last November:

D: That Michael Jackson was a talented lad.
M: Yes he was.
R: Pity he turned out the way he did—barking mad and everything.
D: Isn't it sad about his brother?
M&R: Which brother?
D: Merrill, or something like that—he's wheelchair-bound these days.
R: Is he?
D: Yes. I saw him on the telly.
M: No he's not! You're thinking of the Osmonds!

Top that

CBS News: Pizza Ransom Paid At Aussie Prison

Officials bought 15 pizzas to secure the release of a guard who had been held for 42 hours by inmates at an Australian top-security prison, police said Monday.

Pieces, I said we wanted pieces, you drogo!

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Putting the 'mental' into fundamentalism

BBC: Pope rejects condoms for Africa

The spread of HIV and Aids in Africa should be tackled through fidelity and abstinence and not by condoms, Pope Benedict XVI has said.

What a pity Pope Benedict XVI's parents didn't exercise a little more sexual abstinence.

This deranged old fundamentalist will—just like his predecessor—be personally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of human beings in African.

Fucking nuts, if you'll pardon my Anglo-Saxon.

I'm no Christian, but the Jesus they tried to indoctrinate me with at school—the one who let his disciples eat wheat on the sabbath [Matt: 12:1]—didn't have much time for outdated religious dogma: "Don't be so fucking stupid," he would have said (if you'll pardon His Aramaic), "wear a bloody condom!"

Here endeth the lesson.

Moving the goalposts

BBC: Liverpool get in Champions League

Liverpool have been given the chance to defend their Champions League crown after Uefa handed them a place in the first qualifying round for next season.

The Reds beat AC Milan in last season's final but, because they finished out of the Premiership's top four, were not guaranteed entry in 2005–2006. Uefa's executive committee changed its rules on Friday to allow Liverpool in.

As a (not particularly ardent) Liverpool fan, I am delighted at this news for one very good reason: the prospect of the first ever all-Merseyside Uefa Cup Final, with Liverpool beating Everton 6–5 in the final minute of extra time (having knocked out Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea en route).

The dream result.

Smug? Us?!!

Guardian: Retail chains 'cloning' UK towns

Britain's town centres are rapidly becoming indistinguishable, losing all sense of local identity as they are taken over by global and national chain stores, economists warned today. A report from the New Economics Foundation estimated how far the nation's high streets had been taken over by a phenomenon it called "clone town Britain"…

The most extreme example of a clone town was Exeter in Devon, the foundation said. On a scale awarding points for the number of independent outlets and range of specialist shops, it scored 6.9 out of 60. At the other end of the scale, Hebden Bridge in West Yorkshire scored 48.6. This was the best example of what the foundation called a "home town"—one retaining its individual character.

So, there you have it: not only is Hippie Central the Sapphic capital of Britain and the venue of the World Dock Pudding Championships, it's also the number one home town in the country.

Couldn't agree more.

Comforting

From an email to Stense:

…All of which brings me to the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Yes, yes, I know I texted you over a week ago, promising that I would email you to explain how I'd finally worked out why I find the Second Law of Thermodynamics so comforting, but I've been too busy celebrating my discovery:

I was walking through Liverpool the other week, when I saw some of those ranting religious nutters you occasionally see trying to convert passers-by to their cause by acting like total dickheads in public. There were three of them on this occasion, and one of them was holding up a banner which read:

THE INFIDEL AND THE LIAR WILL BURN IN THE ETERNAL FIRE

Now, as a bearded infidel (and occasional barefaced liar), I suppose I should have felt worried or even threatened by this assertion. But then I had a Road-to-Damascus-type revelation, and I realised that everything was going to be all right:

The Laws of Thermodynamics are, perhaps, the most fundamental laws of physics. They underpin so much other stuff, and have been tested to such an extent, that it is inconceivable that they could suddenly turn out to be wrong. Einstein might eventually turn out to have been wrong (as, to a limited extent, did Newton before him); heresy of heresies, Darwin might one day turn out to be wrong (although, clearly, he won't); but the Laws of Thermodynamics are totally safe. And here's the nub of it:

The very concept of an eternal fire is completely at odds with the Second Law of Thermodynamics: you can't have things that burn forever; everything eventually wears out until (ultimately) we reach the heat-death of the universe. So there is NO SODDING WAY I'm going to burn in any so-called eternal fire!

You see, I told you the Second Law of Thermodynamics was comforting.

See also:

Oh sod right off!

BBC: Open University in image makeover
The Open University—often seen as the late-night home of bearded men in tweed jackets—is to undergo an image makeover as part of a £2m campaign…

People with beards do not require an image makeover, thank you very much.

A series of glossy TV and print adverts, designed for a "sophisticated marketplace", begins on Sunday…

And people with beards require no lessons in sophistication from those who choose to mutilate their chins on a daily basis.

To "dispel myths", they will feature a variety of ages, races and genders.

…but, presumably, they will not feature be-tweeded men with beards.

Would it be socially acceptable for the Open University to besmirch and discriminate against any other minority group in this way?

Define 'pedantic'

Whoa! Hold on a second!

The other day, I quoted the Israeli Ministry of Defense website. Here's the quote again (with my emphasis added):

Israeli Ministry of Defense: Israel's Security Fence
Terrorism has been defined throughout the international community as a crime against humanity. As such, the State of Israel not only has the right but also the obligation to do everything in its power to lessen the impact and scope of terrorism on the citizens of Israel.

Not wishing to be pedantic or anything, but is the Israeli Ministry of Defense seriously claiming that the State of Israel is a crime against humanity? I don't believe that's the official government line.

I'll shut up now.

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