Gruts

Jen and I spent yesterday morning helping our farmer friend bring some cattle down from the moors for the winter.

Even though cows are fairly big, the moors in question are considerably bigger, so it took us over two hours just to find the cattle. They had split into two groups, so, while Jen and the farmer drove the larger group two miles back through the bogs to the farm, I decided to go after the smaller group on my own. But when I returned to the hilltop where I had seen them grazing about half an hour earlier, they had buggered off. I couldn't find them anywhere.

Then I remembered a Ray Mears TV programme from a couple of weeks back, and I had a cunning plan: I decided to return to the spot where the cattle had been grazing and try to follow their tracks. And you'll never guess: it only bloody worked! There were hundreds of hoof-prints on the hillside, but I reasoned that the freshest ones would be the ones that hadn't filled with water, so I followed the tracks about a quarter of a mile and found the cattle hiding below a ridge. Tonto, eat your heart out!

Then there was only the small matter of getting the nine cattle to walk the two miles or so to the farm. As I was doing this, I decided to invent some names for what I had now started to think of as my cows. Here are the rather clever names I came up with (with apologies to Peter McGrath):

• Black Bastard
• Other Black Bastard
• Brown Bastard
• Brown-and-White Bastard
• Black Bastard's Calf
• Other Black Bastard's Calf
• Brown Bastard's Calf
• Brown-and-White Bastard's Calf
• Lame Bastard

The way I saw it, these cattle are closely related, so they should all have the same surname.

Q: What do you call a bird with a tedious job?
A: A drudgerigar.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

One of my pet gripes is something I call soundbite science: so-called scientific studies whose sole purpose is to generate a bit of cheap publicity for someone. Soundbite science is easy to spot, as it typically displays a number of the following characteristics:

• the studies appear as 'fun' news items towards the end of news broadcasts
• they are carried out by people described with the generic word 'scientists' (as opposed to physicists, biochemists, etc.)
• the 'scientists' are usually from a famous university
• the study is sponsored by a company or organisation that has something vaguely to do with the subject of the study
• …but the study is really "just a bit of fun"
• the subject of the study is one of perpetual fascination to the public (men v women, beer v wine, Britain v the rest of the world, tea, biscuits, sex, genes, television, music, food, sport, etc.)
• the studies are often published at the start of a special national 'week' invented by the sponsors (National Sausage Week, National Biscuit Week, etc.)
• the study has no real scientific merit whatsoever

Here's the latest little gem:

BBC: Formula found for film chemistry
Scientists say they have discovered a formula for creating sexual chemistry on the movie screen. The experts, from King's College in London, watched romantic films to come up with the right formula. They said voice, eye contact, body language and excitement could be used to measure sexual chemistry…

Chemistry couples

• 10/10 - When Harry Met Sally
  (Meg Ryan/Billy Crystal)
• 9.5/10 - Casablanca
  (Ingrid Bergman/Humphrey Bogart)
• 9/10 - Breakfast at Tiffany's
  (Audrey Hepburn/George Peppard)
• 9/10 - Lost in Translation
  (Scarlett Johansson/Bill Murray)
• 7/10 - Pretty Woman
  (Julia Roberts/Richard Gere)

…The research was carried for Sky Movies.

Yes, that's right: the 'formula' for sexual chemistry on screen is… eye contact, body language and excitement.

Wow!

• Race Equality
• It's Good to Gossip
• In Odds We Trust?
• Lying
• Scientists sketch out life after mankind

BBC: Deconstruction icon Derrida dies
Jacques Derrida, one of France's most famous philosophers, has died at the age of 74…

The Algerian-born philosopher is best known for his "deconstruction theory" - unpicking the way text is put together in order to reveal its hidden meanings…

At its heart is the notion that each word and by extension each text contains layers of meanings which have grown up through cultural and historical processes. A writer may not know it, but what he puts on paper has all kinds of other significance than the obvious and this can be "deconstructed" by the expert.

BBC: Australian PM wins fourth term
Australia's Prime Minister John Howard says he is "humbled" after winning a fourth term in office.

Confident prediction: John will be the only Howard elected Prime Minister this decade.

A correspondent is surprised that I didn't comment on this last week. So am I:

BBC: Emperor and mystic nun beatified

Pope John Paul II has declared five Roman Catholics blessed, including the last Austro-Hungarian emperor and a nun who inspired a Hollywood film…

However, the beatification of Emperor Karl I has been criticised by some as he authorised the use of poison gas by his army in World War I…

"I hope Emperor Karl will serve as an example, especially for those with political responsibilities in Europe today," the Pope said.

As I no doubt would have commented: Barking!

BBC: Scots bid to win back border town
Fresh calls are being made for the Northumberland town of Berwick to become part of Scotland again. The town, which lies about a mile from the border, has changed hands between the two countries a number of times. Now the leader of the Scottish Borders Council, David Parker, says he would like to see a referendum for people in the town to decide.

Yes, Berwick-upon-Tweed's ever-changing nationality was the cause of one of the longest wars in history: the great Berwicko-Russian War (1853–1966). As is explained on the Undiscovered Scotland website:

Even Henry VII's final capture of the town in 1482 didn't entirely simplify matters. Under the Treaty of Perpetual Peace between Henry VII of England and James IV of Scotland in 1502 (just 11 years before the Scottish army and nobility was destroyed by the English at the Battle of Flodden) Berwick was given a special status as being "of" the Kingdom of England but not "in" it. As a result the town thereafter needed special mention in royal proclamations.

This had one odd effect. When Queen Victoria signed the declaration of war on Russia in 1853, she did so in the name of "Victoria, Queen of Great Britain, Ireland, Berwick-upon-Tweed and the British Dominions beyond the sea." But Berwick was not mentioned in the Treaty of Paris that concluded the Crimean War in 1856, leaving the town technically still at war with Russia.

A peace treaty was only finally signed by a Russian diplomat and the the Mayor of Berwick in 1966. As the mayor said at the time: "You can tell the Russian people that they can now sleep peacefully in their beds".

BBC: GPs confused by 'manky' patients
A group of foreign doctors left baffled by South Yorkshire slang are being taught the local dialect so they know when their patients feel "champion". The seven Austrians are fluent English speakers but were left confused by patients feeling "jiggered" or "manky"…

YORKSHIRE TO ENGLISH:

• Ey oop = Hello
• Fizog = Face
• Lughole = Ear
• Jiggered = Exhausted
• Manky = Rough
• Our lass = Wife
• Gipping = Vomiting

Lughole, fizog, jiggered, manky: Yorkshire dialect? I think not! Doesn't everyone in England know and occasionally use them? Fizog is a great word (it's short for physiognomy, don't you know?).

And I'm not even sure about the definitions of the genuinely Yorkshire words. Jen (a 100% Yorkshire lass), also tends to use ey oop as an expression of surprise when something goes wrong (c.f. oops-a-daisy), and, to her, our lass is her sister.

But to gip, meaning to vomit or feel like vomiting, is a wonderful Yorkshire word that has now passed into this incomedun's vocabulary, along with while (until), spawny (lucky), and thoil (tolerate).