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BBC: Inspired Federer wins Wimbledon
Roger Federer produced a tennis masterclass to claim his first Grand Slam title with a demolition of Mark Philippoussis.
This is fantastic news. Roger Federer has won the Wimbledon tennis championship. Do you realise what this means? No more Wimbledon for another 50 whole weeks! Magic mustard. Now, would it be asking too much for normal service to be resumed on our television screens, do you think?
Me in the post office:
"Do you sell stamps?"
BBC: Lightning hits preacher after call to God
A congregation in the United States was left stunned when lightning struck a church moments after a visiting preacher asked God for a sign… The lightning struck the steeple, then hit the preacher himself when it travelled through electrical wiring to his microphone… Afterwards services resumed, however churchgoers realised after 20 minutes that the building was on fire and evacuated.
I wonder what it was they evacuated.
Let's not get too excited about this apparently divine intervention: there was a thunderstorm already in progress when this preacher issued his challenge to the almighty, the church had a steeple (making it a pretty likely target for a lightning strike), and, as one congregation member remarked, "he just kept asking God what else he needed to say" [my emphasis]—so he evidently kept going until he got a result.
OK, Lord, I'm giving you until a count of three to show us a sign: One… Two… erm… Two-and-a-half… Two-and-threeeeeeee-quaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrterrrrrr… ZAP! Halleluja! It's a miracle!
All this from the country with the world's largest nuclear arsenal. Truly frightening.
Meet Murphy, my new car. Murphy is an Audi A2 TDi SE, with: a 1400cc 3-cylinder inline, diesel engine incorporating an exhaust-gas turbocharger; pump injector direct injection with turbocharger engine management system; oxidisation catalytic converter; exhaust-gas recirculation; front wheel drive with electronic stability programme (ESP); hydraulically-operated single dry plate clutch with asbestos-free linings; 5-speed manual, synchromesh on all ratio; McPherson struts with lower wishbones; track stabilising steering geometry; double-tube gas-filled shock absorbers; torsion-beam rear axle with track correcting bearings; anti-roll bar; diagonally split dual circuit, anti-lock brake system (ABS) with electronic brake-force; 6j x 16 'six spoke' design alloy wheels; power-assisted, maintenance-free rack-and-pinion steering with track-stabilising steering-roll radius.
I have no idea what any of that horse-shit means.
Audi… Murphy… Geddit?
Talking of homeopathic bullshit (which, if you remember, I recently was):
iAfrica.com: Russian men seek sex salvation
…Impaza is one of a new generation of medicines using homeopathic doses of antibodies to control the behaviour of certain molecules in the body. It takes effect earlier in the erection process than Viagra, stimulating the production of a gas—nitrogen oxide—in the cells of the penis.
But the really frightening thing about this article is the opening paragraph: "Why is the lion the king of the animals? Because of his tufty tool. And what makes a man really a man? You know perfectly well."
Just for the record, I do not now have, and never wish to possess, a tufty tool.
Text message from Carolyn:
Do u remember that beetroot, pickle and ice-cream diet that u made me go on - the one that gave u heart failure?
The really weird and frightening thing about this text message is that I honestly don't have the foggiest idea what the hell Carolyn is going on about. Nothing new there then.
BBC: Pope presses EU on constitution
Pope John Paul II has urged the European Union to include a recognition of Europe's Christian heritage in its first constitution, which is due to be signed next year.
Let's see, Europe's Christian heritage: the cruisades, the Spanish Inquisition, papal infallibility, book burnings, witch trials, millennium cults, the belief in miracles, the rhythm method, papal bulls, priests and nuns, Northern Ireland, Bosnia, the Thirty Years War, Inca gold, the Society of Jesus, the Vatican Secret Service, missionaries, kill them all—God will know his own, genuflection, transubstantiation, Puritanism, the poor are always with us, church fêtes…
Don't quite see it myself.
BBC: Burgled pensioners 'die early'
Pensioners who are burgled are far more likely to die earlier than others of a similar age, a Home Office study suggests. The Home Office research, seen by BBC News, shows [my emphasis] burglary has a greater impact on the elderly than previously believed.
Shame on you, BBC: you should know that a correlation doesn't prove a causation. Yes, it's possible that being burgled might lead to an earlier death, but isn't a more plausible explanation that people who live in deprived areas are (a) more likely to die earlier, and (b) more likely to be burgled? The Home Office is creating an agenda, and the BBC isn't being nearly sceptical enough.
BBC: Space impact 'saved Christianity' [23-Jun-03]
Did a meteor over central Italy in AD 312 change the course of Roman and Christian history? A team of geologists believes it has found the incoming space rock's impact crater, and dating suggests its formation coincided with the celestial vision said to have converted a future Roman emperor to Christianity.
So, first they wiped out the dinosaurs, then they saved christianity… These meteors are a bloody menace. Someone should start a petition.
Please, for once in your sad, inadequate, gullible lives, listen, you stupid, naïve dupes—homeopathy doesn't work; homeopathy can't work because it's pseudo-scientific bullshit. These charlatans are fobbing you off with snake oil and taking your money. It won't make your kids any better. You are being irresponsible with their welfare, and if the government really cared as much as it claims to about children, the social services would break into your homes, take away your children, and give them to somebody at least vaguely in touch with reality.
I'm sorry if your children are ill, I really am, but stop pissing about and take them to a doctor.