EU Madness!

BBC: Visegrad Group of EU states 'could veto Brexit deal'

A group of Central European countries is ready to veto any Brexit deal that would limit right to work in the UK, Slovakian PM Robert Fico says.

He might be ‘Prime Minister Robert Fico’ to you, Slovakia, but to us he'll always be loveable old Suggs.

Knowing her clints from her grikes

Theresa May

Theresa May, B.A. (Oxon).

Apparently, our new Prime Minister holds a second-class degree in geography. That's exactly the sort of thing I'm looking for in a leader.

At difficult times like these, we need a Prime Minister who isn't going to be flummoxed by the concept of an ox-bow lake. When it comes to seeing us through the Brexit shambles, we're going to need a premier who, when she lands at Brussels, knows she needs to turn hard-right to face France. And when Angela Merkel, in her own inimitable way, demands to know, “wo in Gottes namen ist das Sudetenland?”, we're going to need a leader who can step up to the plate and explain that it's now very definitely part of the Czech Republic, so hands off.

Jen points out that Theresa May's degree makes her ideally qualified to be a P.E. teacher, so maybe she might be better placed as Minister for Sport. But I'm having none of that: we need a leader who can tell a drumlin from an alluvial fan; who knows that the Ordnance Survey symbol for a church with a tower is a little black square with a cross on the top; and who can remember that the blocks and fissures of a limestone pavement are known as clints and grikes respectively (and definitely not the other way round).

I confess I had my misgivings, but I'm beginning to think Theresa May might be just the person we need to see us through this.

Power vacuum

Power vacuumOn a more positive note, with Cameron abandoning ship, Labour self-imploding, the Lib-Dems (remember them?) being led by a god-botherer named Tim, the Scotch about to take the high road, Screaming Lord Sutch long dead, and the English electorate having taken total leave of its senses, could now be the perfect time for the Gruts Party to rise from the shadows to save a grateful nation?

Let's face it, we would have massive popular appeal (cat-owners excepted, obviously). I appreciate we don't actually have any policies at the moment, but we could take a leaf out of the Brexit campaign's book and make up random, undeliverable promises as we go along. Who knows, with any luck, we might even be able to rope in former Italian Prime Ministerial nominee Prof. Alice Roberts. She'd be handy in a political fist-fight.

Clearly, we'd need a catchy tagline, but we've got that well and truly covered. Or maybe we should come up with something more jingoistic:

Union flag

Please feel free to leave your undeliverable manifesto pledges, voter-duping scare-stories, and campaign mottos in the comments.

We can do this.


Clueless, window-licking, credulous arseholes.
Repugnant, racist, Daily-Mail-reading arseholes.
Cretinous, xenophobic, bed-wetting arseholes.
Bigoted, jaundiced, flag-waving, arseholes.

Odious, small-minded, knuckle-dragging arseholes.
Despicable, unenlightened, vile, vile, arseholes.
Detestable, deluded, jingoistic arseholes.
Disgusting, intolerant, nationalistic arseholes.

Narrow-minded, hateful, hate-filled arseholes.
Lager-swilling, spittle-drooling, Land-of-Hope-and-Glorifying arseholes.
Slack-jawed, fractious, brown-shirted arseholes.
Empire-yearning, yester-yearing, Union-Jack-draped arseholes.

Pathetic, amoral, stupid, stupid, arseholes.
Senseless, chauvinistic, remember-Agincourting arseholes.
Twisted, fuck-witted, quarter-brained arseholes.
Cloddish, brutish, British arseholes.

Who are you going to blame now?


14% less rain under Brexit

Today is the June solstice, officially marking the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere. Predictably, here in the UK, it's raining.

Not to worry: the Brexit campaign assures us there will be 14% less rain if we leave the EU. Summers will be 17% longer. Furthermore, the force of gravity will be reduced by 3%, meaning any rain that does fall on England's green and pleasant land will fall more softly—just like it did during the Battle of Britain. Better summers for hard-working British families!

Brexit aren't against rain, you understand. Oh no. But enough is enough. Our water-management systems can't cope with all this foreign precipitation. Once we've left the EU, pesky foreign weather-fronts will be prevented from moving into British airspace. British reservoirs for British water!

Don't believe a word of the scaremongering R[em]AIN campaign and their so-called meteorological experts. We are Great Britain.

Union flag

Long may we rain!

Compare and contrast




Guardian: North Korea releases unretouched photos of Kim Jong-un
Kim smiling

You can say what you like about Kim Jong-un—unless you live in North Korea, obviously—but he certainly comes across as one cheerful tyrant. On the toothy-grin front, he knocks the rest into a cocked hat.

Nicolae Ceaușescu, for one, took himself far too seriously. Never cracked his face, by all accounts. And look how he ended up. Then there was Pol Pot: another total misery-guts. Augusto Pinochet did his best: he'd spend hours in front of the mirror practising his engaging grin, but it didn't sit at all well beneath that general's hat of his. Bashar al-Assad, well, quite frankly, he doesn't have the teeth for it. And as for Idi Amin, the expression on his face most of the time was as if somebody had let one off nearby, but he was too polite to mention it. True, once in a while, Benito Mussolini would attempt a real face-splitter, but he could never pull it off and ended up looking totally mental.

Which is why the North Korean leader's latest official portrait is such a breath of fresh air. You look at that photo, and you think there's one happy man! There's a chap who knows how to say ‘cheese’.

I can't help thinking other tyrants are missing a trick. All their aloof seriousness is getting them a bad press. They would come across as far more sympathetic and approachable if they took a leaf from Kim Jong-un's book and lightened up a bit. Show us your teeth, chaps! A smile is an umbrella.