The colour of bullshit

Some progress at last! We'll need to flesh out one or two details later, obviously, but the good news is our Prime Minister has a firm handle on precisely what colour Brexit needs to be. And it's not just one colour, it's three: red, white and blue!

That certainly seems to clarify matters.

They've been putting an awful lot of thought into this, you can tell. I feel almost stupid for voting for the other side.

Making America grate again

Those crazy Yanks think they can out-stupid us…

Watch and learn, America.

Judge not, lest ye be smirched

Dear, oh dear! The poor old Daily Heil is receiving some right stick from the unelected liberal elite for having the temerity to suggest that judges should base their decisions on what 52% of the British public has been duped into thinking it wants, rather than on any spurious legal arguments.

When you think about it, though, getting judges to make their rulings in line with what the Daily Heil tells its readers to think is a brilliant suggestion. The UK is desperately short of judges. Indeed, as the Heil was quick to point out, we're so short of judges, we're having to resort to employing openly gay men to make up their numbers. It's political correctness gone mad! I can only assume this shortage of judges must be down to the UK's notoriously rigorous judging exams.

Which is why the Heil's suggestion is so brilliant, you see. If we base our legal decisions on what it says in the leader pages of the tabloids, we don't need to put judges through rigorous judging exams any more; we just issue them with a copy of today's Daily Heil and a rubber stamp. Easy-peasy!

What could possibly go wrong?

Daily Heil

The leader page of the Daily Heil on Friday.

EU Madness!

BBC: Visegrad Group of EU states 'could veto Brexit deal'

A group of Central European countries is ready to veto any Brexit deal that would limit right to work in the UK, Slovakian PM Robert Fico says.

He might be ‘Prime Minister Robert Fico’ to you, Slovakia, but to us he'll always be loveable old Suggs.

Knowing her clints from her grikes

Theresa May

Theresa May, B.A. (Oxon).

Apparently, our new Prime Minister holds a second-class degree in geography. That's exactly the sort of thing I'm looking for in a leader.

At difficult times like these, we need a Prime Minister who isn't going to be flummoxed by the concept of an ox-bow lake. When it comes to seeing us through the Brexit shambles, we're going to need a premier who, when she lands at Brussels, knows she needs to turn hard-right to face France. And when Angela Merkel, in her own inimitable way, demands to know, “wo in Gottes namen ist das Sudetenland?”, we're going to need a leader who can step up to the plate and explain that it's now very definitely part of the Czech Republic, so hands off.

Jen points out that Theresa May's degree makes her ideally qualified to be a P.E. teacher, so maybe she might be better placed as Minister for Sport. But I'm having none of that: we need a leader who can tell a drumlin from an alluvial fan; who knows that the Ordnance Survey symbol for a church with a tower is a little black square with a cross on the top; and who can remember that the blocks and fissures of a limestone pavement are known as clints and grikes respectively (and definitely not the other way round).

I confess I had my misgivings, but I'm beginning to think Theresa May might be just the person we need to see us through this.

Power vacuum

Power vacuumOn a more positive note, with Cameron abandoning ship, Labour self-imploding, the Lib-Dems (remember them?) being led by a god-botherer named Tim, the Scotch about to take the high road, Screaming Lord Sutch long dead, and the English electorate having taken total leave of its senses, could now be the perfect time for the Gruts Party to rise from the shadows to save a grateful nation?

Let's face it, we would have massive popular appeal (cat-owners excepted, obviously). I appreciate we don't actually have any policies at the moment, but we could take a leaf out of the Brexit campaign's book and make up random, undeliverable promises as we go along. Who knows, with any luck, we might even be able to rope in former Italian Prime Ministerial nominee Prof. Alice Roberts. She'd be handy in a political fist-fight.

Clearly, we'd need a catchy tagline, but we've got that well and truly covered. Or maybe we should come up with something more jingoistic:

PUTTING THE GRUTS BACK INTO BRITAIN: THE HOLE IS GREATER THAN WHAT'S LEFT OF ITS PARTS.
Union flag

Please feel free to leave your undeliverable manifesto pledges, voter-duping scare-stories, and campaign mottos in the comments.

We can do this.

Arseholes

Clueless, window-licking, credulous arseholes.
Repugnant, racist, Daily-Mail-reading arseholes.
Cretinous, xenophobic, bed-wetting arseholes.
Bigoted, jaundiced, flag-waving, arseholes.

Odious, small-minded, knuckle-dragging arseholes.
Despicable, unenlightened, vile, vile, arseholes.
Detestable, deluded, jingoistic arseholes.
Disgusting, intolerant, nationalistic arseholes.

Narrow-minded, hateful, hate-filled arseholes.
Lager-swilling, spittle-drooling, Land-of-Hope-and-Glorifying arseholes.
Slack-jawed, fractious, brown-shirted arseholes.
Empire-yearning, yester-yearing, Union-Jack-draped arseholes.

Pathetic, amoral, stupid, stupid, arseholes.
Senseless, chauvinistic, remember-Agincourting arseholes.
Twisted, fuck-witted, quarter-brained arseholes.
Cloddish, brutish, British arseholes.

Who are you going to blame now?