Upping the Antichrist

Times: Pope is warned of a green Antichrist

An arch-conservative cardinal chosen by the Pope to deliver this year's Lenten meditations to the Vatican hierarchy has caused consternation by giving warning of an Antichrist who is "a pacifist, ecologist and ecumenist".

Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, 78, who retired as Archbishop of Bologna three years ago, quoted Vladimir Solovyov (1853-1900), the Russian philosopher and mystic, as predicting that the Antichrist "will convoke an ecumenical council and seek the consensus of all the Christian confessions".

What a hoot! I honestly had no idea people were still going on about the Antichrist in this day and age. I thought He must have gone the way of limbo by now. What a total, total hoot!

But hang on a second. The Antichrist is supposed to be the exact opposite of the Christ, right? It's just like anti-matter and matter: when the two meet, all hell is supposed to break loose. So, if the Antichrist is a pacifist, ecologist and ecumenist, does this mean that the Christ is a warmongering, environmentally unsound religious bigot?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US, CARDINAL?

OK, now I'm really scared.

Call of nature

Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but, when I were a lad, there used to be something called etiquette (look it up): a general set of rules explaining what constituted socially acceptable behaviour (and, more importantly, what didn't).

Foremost of these rules (for us chaps at least) was the commandment, Thou shalt not engage another gentleman in conversation whilst either of you is having a slash. It just wasn't the done thing—not even for the sort of chaps who make a habit of chatting to other chaps in gentlemen's washrooms.

Yesterday, I was spending a penny in the gents at the Tebay Service Station on the M6, when the chap two urinals along from me suddenly remarked, "Ah! There you are! I've been trying to speak with you for ages!"

I glanced over at him nervously.

"I think you and I need to get together with Phil to thrash out the details," he said. "Have you got his number?"

It was clearly a case of mistaken identity: I had never seen this man before, and I didn't know anyone called Phil who I was likely to want to thrash out details with. "I think you've got the wrong per…" I started to say.

Then I realised the chap was on the phone. That's right, he was making a business call whilst having a burst! Is nothing sacred?

It lends a whole new meaning to the phrase, I'll give you a tinkle.

Sign

ShapI drove past this sign today. Over twenty years ago (Christ!), Hitchin and I drove past the same sign, and derived much puerile pleasure from it.

"It must be twinned with the village of Crit," observed Hitchin.

Full moon

Compare and contrast these two different approaches to prophesy:

King James Bible: Revelation 13 v1—4

And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.

And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?

BBC: Eclipse set to be 'best in years'

Skywatchers eagerly awaiting Saturday's total lunar eclipse say that the spectacle could be the "best in years".

The eclipse begins at 2018 GMT, with the Moon totally immersed in the shadow of the Earth between 2244 and 2358 GMT.

During "totality", only light that has been filtered through the Earth's atmosphere reaches the Moon's surface, making it appear a reddish colour.

The eclipse will be visible from the whole of Europe, Africa, South America, and eastern parts of the US and Canada.

Spot the difference? That's right: one is total bollocks, is impossible to understand, and, because no precise time is specified, impossible to test, even if we could understand it; the other is a precise, testable prediction.

That's the key difference between science and mumbo-jumbo.

There will definitely be a lunar eclipe tomorrow night. Scientists can confidently predict this because one of their predecessors, a chap named Isaac Newton, came up with some surprisingly simple and beautiful equations that describe how things like moons move about. So confident can we be that this prediction will come true that I will personally bare my peach-like arse outside Greenwich Observatory if it doesn't.

On the other hand, if a seven-headed, ten-horned, becrowed, pardine, bear-footed, lion-mouthed beast ever turns up, I will personally eat my hat.

Then I'll shit my pants.

Jesus!

BBC: Jesus tomb found, says film-maker

Jesus had a son named Judah and was buried alongside Mary Magdalene, according to a new documentary by Hollywood film director James Cameron…

Academic Stephen Pfann, a scholar at the University of the Holy Land in Jerusalem, said he did not expect Christians to accept the film's findings. "I don't think that Christians are going to buy into this," said Mr Pfann, who was interviewed by the film-makers.

I think there might be one or two atheists who will be with them on that one, Mr P. Apparently, James Cameron knows Jesus's DNA profile. Well, I suppose he did have a criminal record.

Misconceptions

Reuters: Pope speaks out against "designer babies"

Pope Benedict on Saturday condemned genetic engineering and other scientific practices that allow people to select so-called "designer babies" by screening them for defects.

In a speech to the Pontifical Academy for Life, a Church body of experts, the Pope also attacked artificial insemination and the widespread use of medical tests that can detect diseases and inherited disorders in embryos.

The artificial insemination of virgins without their consent is still acceptable, though.