We yoosta live in an open-top skip on th'edge o'th' rubbish tip, wi' only a torn net furra roof:
An' you tell th' young people of today that… They won't believe you!
Well, of course, we had it tuff…
No good deed ever goes unpunished
I popped down to the post office this morning to post Stense's birthday presents. I got there ten minutes before it was due to open, so I waited. Eventually, just as the doors were being unlocked, an elderly woman weighed down with a large shopping bag appeared. I insisted she go before me, explaining that getting my parcel weighed and stamped-up would probably take a bit of time.
The elderly woman thanked me, shuffled up to the counter, and proceeded to remove bag after bag of copper coins from her shopping bag. "Can you change these for me, please?" she asked.
Compare and contrast
I say, old chap, this just isn't cricket
BBC: England lead Ashes after epic win
England wobbled before holding their nerve at Trent Bridge to beat Australia by three wickets and lead an Ashes series for the first time since 1997.
OK, I stand corrected, maybe it isn't such a crap game after all. When you're WINNING, I mean.
Come on you whites!
Send in the clones
Oh my, this is embarrassing:
Last weekend, I was going through some files on my old computer, when I came across an image from that time I got my head stuck in my scanner. I'd forgotten all about it, and now that the traumatic event is well behind me, the image seemed pretty funny, so I decided to print a copy.
Just as I clicked the Print button, however, there was this freak flash of lightning outside the window and, well, I'm not quite sure what happened, but… How can I put it? Erm…
Have you ever seen that film Weird Science, where two testosterone-drenched teenagers use their computer to manufacture themselves the perfect woman? Well, let's just say that the plot wasn't anywhere near as fantastical as I had previously believed:
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am those two testosterone-drenched teenagers, and I am Kelly LeBrock (and I had inadvertently set the Number of copies to unlucky 13).
Just look what happened!
There's a Nobel Prize in this, mark my words.
Bless their scatty little minds!
BBC: 'Men cleverer than women' claim
Academics in the UK claim their research shows that men are more intelligent than women. A study to be published later this year in the British Journal of Psychology says that men are on average five points ahead on IQ tests…
Their research was based on IQ tests given to 80,000 people and a further study of 20,000 students.
Can you believe that, in this day and age, serious academics still have faith in the concept of a so-called Intelligence Quotient?
The human brain is the product of millions of years of evolution, it has approximately 1,000,000,000,000,000 synaptic connections, and is the most complex structure in the known universe. We have yet to come up with even a satisfactory definition of its most intriguing emergent property, consciousness, let alone an explanation for it. The human mind is capable of totally amazing things, like working out how to create fire, bake a cake, or write the latest Harry Potter novel; it can experience love, hatred, joy, boredom, and a thousand other emotions; it can solve problems, create music, learn from experience, and imagine things that aren't there. Not one of us (brain surgeons excluded) has the faintest idea what it is like to be inside another person's head.
And these people think they can measure our intelligence with a single number.
I heard one of them trying to justify the concept of IQ on the radio earlier this week. He explained that a number of indicators of intelligence were factored into IQ scores, such as verbal reasoning and spacial co-ordination (a skill not uncommon in gibbons, I understand). His main justification went something along the lines of, these tests are scientific because all the other IQ scientists use them (I didn't catch his exact words, because I was too busy shouting at the radio at the time). You could use similar reasoning to prove that god must exist because so many people go to church.
The fact that men's and women's IQ scores differ tells us far more about the validity of IQ tests than it does about the relative intelligence of the sexes.
See also:
No shit? You really don't say! (part 2)
BBC: Homeopathy's benefit questioned
A leading medical journal has made a damning attack on homeopathy, saying it is no better than dummy drugs. The Lancet says the time for more studies is over and doctors should be bold and honest with patients about homeopathy's "lack of benefit".
Actually, I'm quite cross with the BBC: their original headline read Medics attack use of homeopathy, which is a far more unequivocal. Why the need to damp it down?
Having said that, the Guardian's headline was even better:
Guardian: As a fourth study says it's no better than a placebo, is this the end for homeopathy?
Of course it's not! The gullible public will never tire of bullshit.
See also:
K-T event
Hey, I've just noticed that my computer's K and T keys have been transposed.
Of course, you realise what this means. That's right, I have a QWERKY keyboard!
I thank you.
Chipmunky business
Talking of giraffes, there was a programme on the telly yesterday about Longleat Safari Park in which they kept referring to the building in which the giraffes are housed as the giraffery. Is there really such a word? I think they made it up.
To add to the confusion, they then started referring to the place where they house the chipmunks as an aviary. When did chipmunks suddenly become birds? To be consistent, surely the people at Longleat should house their chipmunks in a chipmunkery.
Or should that be chipmonastery?
Q: What do you find in a chipmonastery?
A: Friars.
(Lap 'em up, folks, these are the jokes!)
See also: Of or pertaining to the rhinoceros
Giraffe years
Conversation with Jen the other day:
J: … Dog years, what are they all about, then?
R: How do you mean?
J: Well, who decided that one human year is equivalent to seven dog years?
R: Probably the same person who decided that the queen should have two birthdays.
J: It doesn't make sense.
R: Did you know that racehorses all have the same birthday: 1st January?
J: Why's that?
R: I suppose it's to define an easy cut-off date when deciding which horses are allowed to take part in certain races—for example, a race for three-year-olds. It'll be a bit like the 1st September cut-off date they have in schools to decide which year you should be in.
J: OK, I suppose that makes sense. But is it just dogs who have their own types of years?
R: I think cat years are probably the same as dog years, and I seem to remember Paddington Bear has two birthdays, just like the queen.
J: But what about giraffes, say? Can you measure stuff in giraffe years?
An excellent question! Well, I've done some research on the internet, and it would appear that the giraffe year has never been properly defined, so why don't I do it right now?
1 giraffe year = 117.8331 mean solar days = 0.3226 human years = 2.2582 dog years
So now you know.