Overheard by my spies at Carolyn's house:
Howard: I'm going in for a shower now.
Carolyn: Well don't wake the children up, they haven't got to sleep yet.
Not too impressed, to beetrootful
Ann and Bill visited us the other week. We took them to the local cheese shop. Do we know how to show our guests a good time, or what?
As well as cheese, the cheese shop stocks a fine selection of unusual, specialists foodstuffs—special pastas, chocolates, preserves, oils, etc. Which is how I came to talk Ann into buying a packet of beetroot crisps. We'd been to the pub; it seemed like a really good idea at the time.
Anyway, Ann got her own back by buggering off home and leaving her beetroot crisps behind.
Last weekend, after a couple of glasses of wine, I got the munchies. I wanted something savoury, and the only thing I could find in the cupboard was Ann's packet of beetroot crisps. So I gave them a taste test. Here are my findings:
- beetroot crisps are extremely nasty
- if you don't like beetroot, you are definitely not going to like beetroot crisps: they taste just like beetroot, but have the added disadvantage of being hard and crispy
- some surprising food combinations (jam and cheese, black pepper and strawberry) work; beetroot and crisps does not
- beetroot crisps dye the inside of your mouth purple
I ate the whole packet, of course. There was a principle involved—although I forget what it was.
Ann, I'll let you know how I get on with the roasted broad beans fritas.
Kosher
Conversation with Jen this morning:
R I couldn't get any lamb mince for our burgers at Tesco yesterday. I'll try to get some this morning.
J If you can't get any, minced beef will do.
R How about pork?
J I don't think so.
R … I wonder why you can't get chicken mince.
J You probably can. You just haven't looked for it.
R I'll bet you can get it in the Jewish section at Tesco.
J Why?
R Well, they're supposed to eat a lot of chicken, by all accounts—because it's kosher, I suppose.
J How about beef? Is that kosher?
R I don't think so… Oh, hand on a minute, yes it is, because cattle chew the cud and have cloven hooves.
J So why aren't pigs kosher, then? They have cloven hooves.
R Yes, but they don't chew the cud. The rule is you mustn't eat animals with cloven hooves unless they chew the cud. The way I look at it, the chewing of the cud cancels out the cloven-hoofedness.
J … Someone's put a lot of thought into this, haven't they?
R Yes, it was God apparently. I told you He was fucking nuts!
What's bred in the bone
People often ask me, "Richard, where did you get your sophisticated sense of humour?"
I believe the following snippet from a post card I received this morning from my mum, who is on holiday with my dad and sister, goes some way to answering that question:
Greetings from Anglesey again. Weather not too bad, lots of wind, especially from Gill's direction.
That's my mum!
(I'm her favourite child, you know.)
We are better than you
From perhaps the most inspirational spontaneous speech I have heard made during my lifetime:
…Finally, I wish to speak directly to those who came to London today to take life.
I know that you personally do not fear giving up your own life in order to take others—that is why you are so dangerous. But I know you fear that you may fail in your long-term objective to destroy our free society and I can show you why you will fail.
In the days that follow look at our airports, look at our sea ports and look at our railway stations and, even after your cowardly attack, you will see that people from the rest of Britain, people from around the world will arrive in London to become Londoners and to fulfil their dreams and achieve their potential.
They choose to come to London, as so many have come before because they come to be free, they come to live the life they choose, they come to be able to be themselves. They flee you because you tell them how they should live. They don't want that and nothing you do, however many of us you kill, will stop that flight to our city where freedom is strong and where people can live in harmony with one another. Whatever you do, however many you kill, you will fail.
Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London
7th July, 2005
Olympic win
BBC: London beats Paris to 2012 Games
The 2012 Olympic Games will be held in London, the International Olympic Committee has announced.
Great news! Magic mustard!
Doesn't this mean, as host nation, we get to choose some new sports to trial in the 2012 games? Preferably very obscure sports that we're really good at.
Personally, I think we should choose darts, pub crawling, and missing at penalties. What do you reckon?
Postscript: It's uncanny. I'm in league with the devil, I tell you. A reader points out:
BBC: Sporting reaction to 2012 verdict
…As the newest recognised sport, darts, under the guidance of the British Darts Organisation, pledges its wholehearted support for the Olympic Games in London and would be proud to be considered as the host nation's 'invitation sport' in 2012.British Darts Organisation chief, Olly Croft
Professional rivalry
I caught the end of a radio documentary called The Real Frasiers as I was driving home on Friday. It was about psychiatrists who host radio talk shows.
One psychiatrist they interviewed stated that having a caller commit suicide on air would be an ordeal he would not wish on his worst enemy.
From this, I concluded that this particular radio talk show psychiatrist's worst enemy is another radio talk show psychiatrist.
What are the odds of that, do you reckon?
Toast
I'll tell you what's stupid: when you raise your glass to someone and say something nice about them, it's called a toast—even though there is absolutely no toast involved.
Wouldn't it make a lot more sense to raise a piece of toast?
Someone should do something.
See also: Toasts
Regrets asking "Who's minuting this?", more like
BBC: Kissinger regrets India comments
Former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has expressed regret over anti-India comments he made to former US President Richard Nixon.
"The Indians are bastards," Mr Kissinger said shortly before the India-Pakistan war of 1971, it was revealed this week.
Mr Kissinger also called former Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi a "bitch" during the conversation.
That was future Nobel Peace Laureate (no, really), Henry Kissinger, speaking, in case you were wondering.
Shameless fraud
As I pulled Murphy up outside the house this evening in order to open the drive gate, a bus passed by in the opposite direction. Thinking I had pulled up to let him pass through a narrow gap, the driver waved at me and mouthed the words "Thank you". So I waved back and mouthed the words "You're welcome!"
I can be a shameless fraud at times.