Gruts

🦆

Bouquet

I never had much time for wine poseurs, with their silly wine-tasting ceremonies, and their pretentious adjectives. But, as I started to develop a more discerning taste for wine, I began to realise that it isn't all bullshit: some wines really do smell of blackberries, others really are smokey, and you can detect a corked wine a mile off (if it smells of unwashed gym socks, believe me, it's corked—don't even think about drinking it; throw it away immediately).

But the glass of wine that I'm drinking as I type this—I won't name the brand for fear of litigation, but it's a 2003 vintage Australian Shiraz Cabernet which cost me £5.99—has a very strange property: it tastes very good (dry, with a strong, spicy flavour), but it smells—how can I put it?—it smells of, erm… well, to be totally frank, it smells of fox piss.

Just for the record, I cannot confirm whether or not fox piss also has a strong, dry, spicy flavour.

No refunds

BBC: Green abandons M&S takeover plan
Retail tycoon Philip Green has scrapped his takeover approach to Marks & Spencer

Apparently, he started getting cold feet when he was told he couldn't just take it back for a no-questions-asked refund, if he decided he didn't really like it.

St. Swithin's Day

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
St. Swithin's day if thou be fair
For forty days 'twill rain nae mair.

Believe it or not, the above constitutes a pretty good scientific hypothesis in that it makes a (fairly) clear and testable prediction: if it rains on St. Swithin's Day, it will rain for the next 40 days; if it doesn't rain on St. Swithin's Day, it won't rain any more.

Today (15th July) was St. Swithin's Day, and it pissed ropes (as they say in France).

Let us test this particular scientific hypothesis…

Postscript (15-Jul-04): A-ha! It's stopped raining! Hypothesis well and truly falsified!

An space-alien went gavelling

BBC: Chris de Burgh buys Alien 'icon'
Irish singer Chris de Burgh has fended off global bids to buy a latex "chest bursting" Alien model from the 1979 sci-fi classic film. He paid just under £29,875 at a London auction…

Just under? So he'll have paid about £29,874, will he?

Richard Saves the Day

Last week, Carolyn asked me to do her 'a big favour': would I mind picking up eleven toy bicycles for her to put in some party bags she is putting together for her young son's birthday party next weekend? I said I'd do my best, but, in the end, I could only get five. Today, I met Carolyn for coffee:

"Here are those toy bikes you wanted."
"Brilliant! I managed to get some more at the weekend, so now I have enough for one each."
"So does that mean I saved the day?"
"What?"
"Does that mean I saved the day?"
"Well, I saved the day as well, because I got some of the bikes."
"Yes, but as far as you are concerned, it's me who saved the day…"
"Well, let's say we both saved the day."
"No, let's not. Admit it: it was me who saved the day as far as you're concerned."
"OK, I admit it."
"No, say it; say, 'You saved the day'."
"[Sigh] You saved the day."
"No, don't whisper; say it so I can hear it!"
"You saved the day."

So there you have it, it's official: I saved the day!

Out-namedropped

Email to Stense last Saturday:

I'll have you know that you're not the only one rubbing shoulders with D-list celebrities... For whom should I espy filming in the Albert Dock on Thursday? That's right, you've guessed it: Rowland 'Raw Sex' Rivron, erstwhile comedic entertainer, and current stalwart of the BBC's Holiday programme. Not quite in the same league as Philippa Forrester perhaps, but damn impressive nevertheless!

Stense's reply last night:

Right I am now going to namedrop unashamedly in reply to your last missive - I used to know Rowland Rivron quite well!

Bitch!

Note for my future biographers part 2

Email to Carolyn:

I hope [your son]'s sports day went well.

At age 9, I learnt a very important lesson in one sports day at Brookhurst School. I wonder if you remember it. Mrs Richman, our class teacher, decided it would be fun for us to have a race in pairs, where each pair of kids was handicapped in some way or other. One pair of girls were tied together by the wrists, another had their ankles tied together three-legged-race fashion, one boy had to carry another piggy-back style, one pair had to do a wheelbarrow race, etc. My partner, a boy who didn't know left from right, was blindfolded, while I had to give him directions as he stumbled in a frantic panic down the track. Needless to say we came last. By the time we crossed the finish line, the two girls with their wrists tied together had collected their gold medals from the podium, been photographed by the Wirral Globe, and completed their second lap of honour.

The lesson I learnt was that the world isn't fair, and teachers are sometimes very stupid.

See also: Note for my future biographers

Slap!

BBC: Peers back 'moderate' smacking
Peers have backed a compromise proposal which allows parents to smack their children with moderation.

I have a big problem with smacking children. The problem is, I think I should be allowed to smack other people's. Not without reason, you understand; only when they're being obnoxious little shits, but their parents don't feel the need to slap them.

Having recently acquired three children of my own, however, I should like to go on record as stating that my own children are beyond reproach on the behaviour front, and I do not envisage having to exercise my newly gained right to smack in anything but moderation.

Sound!

BBC: Liverpool is World Heritage Site

Liverpool's World Heritage Status was confirmed at a meeting of UNESCO's World Heritage Committee in Suzhou, near Shanghai. It means the city now ranks alongside other world heritage locations such as the Taj Mahal, Stonehenge and the Pyramids.

Liverpool's bid was based on it's [sic] maritime history and significance as a port in the period of Britain's greatest global influence. The area covered by World Heritage Status includes several parts of the city centre including the waterfront, the commercial area of warehouses and merchant's [sic] houses around Duke Street and the William Brown Street area.

An inspired decision, if I might say so.

Liverpool

Namesake

From Charles Darwin, Vol.1: Voyaging by Janet Browne:

[Children's governess,] Madame Grut lasted only a few weeks before her strong personality clashed with Darwin's; she resigned before he could pluck up the courage to sack her.

Good to read that Gruts were causing outrage even in those days.