Today I visited Starbucks and played The Starbucks Game:
"Can I have a medium-sized coffee, please?"
"Grande?"
"No, medium!"
They fall for it every time.
Bargain
I gave Carolyn three pound coins yesterday, saying they were for her children. She was reluctant to accept, but eventually gave in.
I think you'll find that constitutes a legal contract.
Carolyn, if you read this, I'll collect them at the weekend.
Man of Mystery and Adventure part 2
In an attempt to resurrect my stalled campaign to become a Man of Mystery and Adventure, yesterday I secreted a carrot in a special pocket in my new work suit. I then went about, letting people catch a glimpse of the carrot. When they asked, "Richard, why have you got a carrot in your pocket?", I gave assorted replies, such as:
- I bet you say that to all the boys
- OK, who told you I was carrying?
- it's a plant
- because there wasn't room in my sock
- because I've run out of celery
Carolyn was particularly impressed, when I rendezvoused with her outside a jewellers' shop:
"How many carats would you say that diamond is?" I asked.
"The label says 0.5."
"Pathetic! How many carats would you say that other diamond is?"
"It says 0.6."
"Feeble!" [Opening jacket] "And how many carrots would you say this is?"
"Did you just buy that specially to make that joke?"
Talking turkey
Two Fat Ladies
It was a nice day today, so Stense and I had it off. We went to the Cheshire Show, where we saw many magnificent British animals, including Clarissa Dickson-Wright (photo left). We then headed off to a local aquarium, where I attempted (unsuccessfully) to bag Stense in the tunnel (photo right).
Midsummer
Tomorrow is Midsummer's Day. Today, it hailed.
Global warming, my arse!
Pub quiz answers
Quiz Master: "Question 7 was, 'Which wood was used to build canal lock gates and sometimes even drain-pipes?'. The answer is 'Elm'."
Contestant: "I said that!"
Quiz Master: "No you didn't, you said 'teak'."
Contestant: "No I didn't; that was him over there. I said, 'Something British, like elm'."
Quiz Master: "Elm is Dutch!"
Separated at birth?
See also: Separated at birth (14-Dec-03)
Inhaler
BBC: Inhaler 'may help men have sex'
Men who have difficulty getting an erection could soon use an inhaler to help them have better sex.
Maybe so, but who is this mysterious inhaler, and what precisely does the job entail?
The shorthand game
I am currently sharing an office with a woman who can write shorthand. So this morning I invented The Shorthand Game, wherein one scribbles random shorthandesque symbols on a piece of paper and asks a shorthand expert what they say.
The following conversation took place:
[Showing random symbol] "What does this say?"
"Nothing."
[Showing another random symbol] "And this?"
"Nothing."
[Showing another random symbol] "And this?"
"…It looks remarkably like 'And thank you'."
[Showing another random symbol] "And this?"
"Oh my goodness!"
"What does it say?"
"I'm not telling you."
"What does it say?"
"It says 'Tits'."