Dad: How far away is the sun?
Me: A little over eight light minutes.
Dad: I meant in miles.
Me: Well, light travels at about 186,282.397 miles per second, so the distance to the sun would be a little over 186,282.397 × 60 × 8 miles.
Dad: I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, but… Piss off!
What I did on my holidays
Pineapples and porcupines…
Both prickly. Both begin with the letter ‘P’.
Coincidence? I'll let you decide.
(Don't get me started on bloody pufferfish.)
Reaching out
I'll tell you what's mildly irritating: people who say ‘reached out to’ when they mean ‘contacted’.
Just listen to yourselves!
The Pop-star Biscuit Game
A somewhat misreported (to make me look even more awesome) conversation with Jen in the car this morning:
R: I’ve just thought of a new game. It’s called the Pop-star Biscuit Game. We take it in turns to name pop-stars who sound like biscuits. For example, Lionel Rich Tea. Your turn…
J: …Limp Bizkit.
R: No, that’s cheating. You can’t have ‘biscuit’ as part of the name. My turn… Jammy Dodger Miller.
J: …
R: Godley and Custard Cream.
J: …
R: Chocolate Bourbono.
J: …
R: Oreo Speedwagon.
J: …
R: I was Googling brands of biscuits before we came out. Can you tell?
J: KitKat Stevens.
R: KitKats are wafers, not biscuits.
J: …
R: Run Garibaldi MC.
J: …
R: I win!
The secret to winning the Pop-star Biscuit Game is planning. Planning and misreporting.
Over to you…
On the trot
Sydney Morning Herald: Vegetarian diet twice as effective for weight-loss, new research shows
Low-calorie diets are notoriously difficult to maintain in the long-term. But they may be unnecessary. Switching to a vegetarian diet can be twice as effective for weight-loss as counting calories, according to new research.
So is catching dysentery.
Theron lies the difference
BBC: Celebrity names you’re probably saying wrong
As Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot can do anything - apart from getting people to pronounce her name correctly.
Turns out I’ve been mispronouncing Charlize Theron’s name for years.
I wondered why she never returned my calls.
Surely this has got to be illegal…
Stronger and stabler
BBC: Conservatives agree pact with DUP to support May government
An agreement has been reached which will see the Democratic Unionist Party back Theresa May’s minority government.
The deal, which comes two weeks after the election resulted in a hung Parliament, will see the 10 DUP MPs back the Tories in key Commons votes.
There will be £1bn extra for Northern Ireland over the next two years.
One-billion pounds for 10 DUP votes. That's a mere £100-million per unspeakable DUP MP.
The Brussels Brexit negotiators must be shitting bricks.
Actually, I think Theresa May might have played a blinder here: when you haven't a leg to stand on, acting insane is probably your best strategy for getting people to fall for your bluffs: she might actually be that crazy.
The SATSASTSM button
I think we can all agree, home entertainment has improved dramatically in recent years. Not only do we no longer have to wait at least five bloody years to be able to buy our own personal copies of the latest films, but we can now watch them on high-definition, wide-screen tellies. Indeed, those of us with more than two ears can enjoy these films in multi-speaker surround-sound. And there's even microwaveable popcorn. What's not to like? (Apart from microwaveable popcorn, I mean.)
But I'm beginning to think we might be taking this ‘home cinema’ concept a bit too far. Nowadays, presumably to add to the authentic cinematic experience, we are expected to sit through half an hour of advertisements and trailers before the main feature begins.
Which is why I have just invented the SATSASTSM button. It looks like this:
The SATSASTSM button—or, to give it its full name, the Skip All The Shite And Show The Sodding Movie button—is a special button on your remote control that, as the name implies, skips all the shite and shows you the sodding movie straight away. How brilliantly simple is that? I'm frankly amazed nobody has thought of this before.
There aren't actually any remote controls featuring a SATSASTSM button at the moment, but, for the benefit of all movie buffs out there, I hereby waive all rights to my invention and make it freely available to any and all manufacturers wishing to avail themselves of such an essential killer feature.
You can thank me later.