Dyson with death

Gruts reader ‘Consumer Reviews’ from a company named ‘companyattendance.com’ writes:

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I have to say, I was quite tempted by the offer, until I read about the Unique Ball technology, for easy & smooth steering.

Seems over-complicated to me. I think I'd rather continue to steer with my hands.

Righ' onarubbuw pukka gen'uwmun

"Jamie [Oliver] for PM," cries online Guardian reader HelenfromCT.

That's crazy talk, HelenfromCT! The slack-jawed Essex geezer should stick to what he's best at: being not as good as he used to be on telly. There is only one person who can sort out this mess we're in.

Guardian readers, huh? As politically clueless as ever.

Postscript: Oh, I see, 'HelenfromCT' is short for HelenfromC[ape]T[own, South Africa]. In that case, fair dos, HelefromCT: you could do far worse than the mockney wide-boy.

Extreme measures

My attention has only just been drawn to this New York Times piece from 13th May, 2011:

Pornography Is Found in Bin Laden Compound Files, U.S. Officials Say

The enormous cache of computer files taken from Osama bin Laden's compound contained a considerable quantity of pornographic videos, American officials said on Friday…

[T]he disclosure could fuel accusations of hypocrisy against the founder of Al Qaeda, who was 54 and lived with three wives at the time of his death.

Yes, Bin Laden was undoubtedly a bit of an old hypocrite. But did that really justify shooting him in the head and dumping his corpse in the middle of the Indian Ocean?

Gone phishing

"Hello, my name is Alice…" said the woman at the other end of the phone.

My heart skipped a beat: I thought it must be Dr Alice Roberts phoning to thank me for my vote of confidence the other day. Those crazy Italians sure missed an opportunity there! But then I realised that this lady did not sound at all like Dr Alice Roberts: she did not have Dr Alice Roberts' low, slightly nasal, West Country accent. I am by no means an expert on accents, but I would put good money on this particular Alice's accent originating somewhere on the Asian subcontinent.

Before I could ask Alice whether, by any chance, she happened to know my good friend Jackie Chan Singh, Alice explained that she worked in the IT Support department of the company named Microsoft Windows, and that the computer which was attached to my telephone had reported to them that it was about to crash.

Yikes! I said that sounded very serious and asked Alice if there was anything she could do to help me. Fortunately, there was.

While I waited for my computer to boot, I asked Alice where she was phoning from, as the quality of the line was appalling, making it very difficult for me to hear what she was saying. Alice explained that she was calling from Manchester. I told her that I had heard of the place. It did not occur to me to ask Alice how my computer had managed to report that it was about to crash when it had been turned off for the last 24 hours. Computers are so clever these days!

Alice then proceded to give me some instructions in order to prevent my computer from crashing. They were awfully complicated. It took me a good few minutes to locate the first key she wanted me to press. It turned out that she wanted me to press the Windows key. I think she must have been trying to avoid using technical jargon. Then she wanted me to press the ‘R’ key. The responses I was giving were not at all what Alice expected. It turned out that she wanted me to press the Windows and ‘R’ keys at the same time. Stupid me!

I explained to Alice that I could now see a box which said Run at the top and Open underneath. Now we were cooking on gas! This was exactly what Alice was hoping I would see. She then got me to type in a whole pile of letters one after the other: "E for Edward, V for Victor…" and so on. I was still having great difficulty hearing what Alice was saying, so I ended up making lots and lots and lots of mistakes. It took me ages. I have to hand it to Microsoft Windows, the people in their IT Support department have the patience of saints.

After what seemed like an age, Alice finally managed to get me to type in the word EVENTVWR and to press enter.

"What does it now say on your screen?" asked Alice.

"OH MY GOD!! IT SAYS I'M UNDER ATTACK!!" I almost shouted. "WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!!!"

"I'm sorry, I did not hear you properly," said Alice. "What does your screen say?"

"There's a big warning box on my screen. It says: ‘You are under attack: a very naughty woman calling herself Alice is trying to get you to do very silly things on your computer as part of a scumbag phishing attack!’" I gasped. "I have absolutely no idea what that means, but it sounds really bad! Do you have any idea what it means, Alice?"

Alice was still struggling to hear me and asked me to repeat the message.

I repeated the message. Before I could ask Alice whether she was in any way connected with News International and my sworn enemy, Murdoch, however, the line went dead. Those damned dodgy Manchester telephone exchanges!

So I thought I'd better post this quick update before my computer crashes.

Normal disservice will be resumed as soon as possible.

Word of the Day

Fent
Fent

Fent: (n.) a short length of waste fabric used for threading through stenters, washing ranges, etc. at the end of a production run.

Highly relevant

Guardian: Former public schoolboy dressed as lawyer before shooting drug feud rival

Rupert Ross and accomplice jailed for a minimum of 30 years for fatal gun attack outside Wandsworth prison.

Clearly, the fact that this murderer went to public school was highly relevant to the case, otherwise the Guardian would not have seen fit to mention it in the title of their piece. It seems strange, however, that they neglect to mention that he drank milk and watched Disney™ movies as a boy.

I wonder which soccer team he supports.

The Italian job

Guardian: Berlusconi's replacement as Italy's PM: will it be the fixer or the technocrat?

Profiles of contenders Angelino Alfano and Mario Monti, one from Sicily's poor south, the other from the rich north.

Mamma mia! That's just what we need: another Italian running Italy. Look what happened last time.

Remember when those chaps ran the biggest empire in the world? No, me neither. But they did, believe me. The Roman Empire, it was called. It had a right mixed bag of emperors, some good, some very, very bad. Remember Nero and Caligula? No, me neither. They were very bad emperors. Berlusconi was cast from the same mould. But the Roman Empire had some pretty good emperors too. In fact, a group of five of them is actually known as the Five Good Emperors. And guess what? Of those five good emperors, only two were born in Italy!

It's time to think outside the box, Italia! You can sort out this mess, but, let's face it, you're going to need some outside help. It's time for you to put pride to one side and, for the sake of western civilisation, pick a non-Italian as Prime Minister. Someone intelligent, charismatic and incorruptable. Someone who will stand up to the French, has their head screwed on, has an excellent knowledge of history, and knows how to balance a budget.

Now I know what you're thinking, but I'm afraid I have other commitments at the moment.

If you want my advice, it seems to me you could do far worse than to elect Dr Alice Roberts as your very first Primera Ministra:

Alice Roberts
Dr Alice Roberts, prospective Italian Prime Minister.

TV anatomy's loss would be international finance's gain.

We're in this together, Italy. This one is on me. You can keep the customary referral fee. I appreciate you're a little strapped for cash at the moment.

(Incidentally, her name is pronounced A-LISS, not A-LEE-CHAY.)

STOP PRESS [10-Nov-2011, 13:16 GMT]: In related news, Greece has just chosen a new Prime Minister in the shape of former European Central Bank vice-president Lucas Papademos. No, me neither. I can't help feeling that this is a huge mistake. Personally, I would have gone for the Antiques Roadshow's Fiona Bruce.

Business news

BBC: Comet electrical stores sold by Kesa for £2

Anglo-French electrical goods retailer Kesa has announced plans to sell off its troubled UK-based Comet stores to a private equity firm for just £2.

Apparently, they nearly blew the deal when they tried to sell the private equity firm an extended warranty.