From a letter to Stense, 05-Oct-2003

Stense, there's absolutely no way of putting the next bit delicately, so why don't I come straight out with it? I went for a wee the other day, and it smelt of roast chicken. Seriously. Indeed, so like roast chicken did it smell, that I momentarily thought "oh good, tea's almost ready", until I realised that Jen wasn't home yet, I hadn't started cooking tea, and we weren't having chicken.

From a letter to Stense, 30-Oct-1991

In the evening, Carolyn and I went to the pictures to see The Commitments. On the way to the cinema, as I was driving through Willaston, I came to a detour. Unfortunately, somebody had nicked the detour signs, so I wasn't sure of the best way to go. Guessing incorrectly, I headed down a little country lane which gradually grew narrower and narrower until we suddenly realised that it had turned into a footpath. Next thing we knew, there were trees all around us and all sorts of humps and bumps on the path. I was a bit worried that Carolyn might think this was some sinister plot to get her down a lonely lane, but she didn't seem all that perturbed (actually, she was laughing her head off by now). There was no way I could reverse out the way I came and there was nowhere to turn round, so I kept going, hoping the path would widen. It didn't: it split in half to go round a tree right in the middle of the "road". At this point, I had to stop and carry out a rather embarrassing 87-point turn.

From a letter to Stense, 30-Jan-2003

While we were drinking coffee, I gave Carolyn the following incredibly clever code to try and crack (which she hasn't done yet):

Let's Have Hex:
31 233573869, 1 2845 7658: 12648430!
31 207 47806 11325150 12648430 2766 7658, 1'13 190 232911341.
(7405 912559 12648430 10 2989 7658!)

[Note: I have published the solution to this fiendish code in the comments. So Carolyn finally gets to find out what the hell I was on about.]

From a letter to Stense, 07-Apr-2002

Now there's an interesting experiment someone should try: sprinkle a whole pile of cat-repellent crystals over the floor in a small room and throw a cat in. If the stuff is worth its salt, the cat should end up hovering a few inches above the floor, a bit like one of those Japanese trains.

From a letter to Stense, 20-Nov-2001

Bit of a mishap at lunchtime today: I decided to pop into the Liverpool Tate to have a look in the shop. As I entered the revolving door, a young woman (bit of a babe, actually) leapt into the same segment of the door as me, even though it is clearly designed for single occupancy (especially when the occupant is of my proportions). She managed to get in, but her bulky shoulder-bag didn't, so we became wedged. There wasn't any room to manoeuvre, so we had to make a very slow and careful about-face and shuffle extreeeemely slowly back the way we had come to allow the young woman to escape. The poor lass went scarlet and couldn't stop apologising.

I didn't like to tell her it was the best thing to happen to me all day.

From a letter to Stense, 07-Oct-2000

Had to answer a very long questionnaire at work on Thursday. It was an EFQM (European Foundation of Quality Management) questionnaire, designed to tell you what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong within your organisation. One question read something along the lines of:

How do you recognise the people in your organisation who contribute the most to the concept of continuous improvement?

By now, I was getting bored, so I answered:

They all wear purple badges.

Pleased with my funny answer, I repeated it to a colleague.

"What purple badges?" she demanded to know. "Why haven't I got one?"

From a letter to Stense, 14-Jul-1999 (written on a train)

It was quite funny in the hotel restaurant last night. Nine of use met up and had a meal together, agreeing to split the bill nine ways and add it to each of our hotel bills. [Aside: I found it rather suspicious that the bill happened to divide exactly by nine (a one in nine chance, after all), but kept my mouth shut.] So the waitress brings back this yard-long itemised bill, which each of us has to sign against our respective room numbers. It all goes extremely well until the bill gets to Dave, who signs against the wrong room number, then it all starts going pear-shaped. Honestly, you wouldn't believe the brain-cabbaging confusion that this simple mistake could cause. Nobody else can work out where to sign any more, the waitress gets confused and starts crossing out room numbers and replacing them with random numbers of her own devising, rumours start spreading that Dave is sharing a room with one of the other attendees, fiery letters are seen in the skies over Devon, dogs and cats start walking about on their hind legs, a woman in Taunton gives birth to a goat, Pope John Paul II blesses the Irish football team, crop circles appear in the cress sandwiches, Jesus returns, and the entire population of China says "Meng" for no readily apparent reason. And, to top it all, Dave has just realised that he never got charged for the meal on his hotel bill.