Uncle Fred

Uncle Fred

Meet my (Great) Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred was born 100 years ago today. He had a birthday card from my mate the Queen to prove it. He's an amazing old man.

Fred has lived his entire life in the town I grew up in: Bromborough on the Wirral. Only it wasn't really that much of a town when Fred was born: he was brought up in a house with a mud floor, which apparently wasn't all that unusual.

Fred once told me about a young lad who went to the local grammar school many years ago. He was a bit of a trouble-maker, having a reputation for making people fall off their bicycles by shoving sticks through their spokes. The young lad's name was Harold Wilson. They always knew he'd turn into a bad 'un.

Fred also told me how he and a friend used to go fishing by placing calcium carbide from their carbide bicycle lamps into pop bottles. They would weigh the bottles down then throw them (uncorked) into local ponds. This would cause a small explosion which would stun the fish, which would then float to the surface.

During the Second World War, Fred was in the Home Guard. He spent many a night on guard duty in a bunker next to the first green at Bromborough Golf Course. It was from here that, one night, he saw German bombers flying over to bomb Liverpool.

Throughout his working life, Fred was a plumber. This gave him incredibly strong hands. When I was a kid, he would offer me his hand and let me try to crush it—which I never could, of course—then he would give me a gentle squeeze back, and I would recoil in agony.

We shook hands again today, and Fred gave my hand another gentle squeeze. It still hurt. I told him that I hoped I would make it to 100 one day. "It's not the years that are important; it's what you do with them," replied Fred.

Wise man.

Container drivers

BBC: Driver Derek stays loyal to Skoda

Motorist Derek Wright has a wry chuckle whenever he hears people making jokes about Skodas - he has owned 19 of the cars over the past 40 years.

Mr Wright, 76, from Woodhead, Derbyshire, said he went for a vehicle that was reliable and cheap to run.

Yes, indeed, they're so reliable that Derek only needs to replace them once every two years.

Published
Filed under: Nonsense

Pat trip dispenser

Guinness Dispenser

They've replaced one of the printers at work with what appears to be a machine for dispensing Guinness. I haven't been able to figure out how it works yet, but I'll keep you posted.

A lot of wind

Have you seen the new-look George Clooney? Full beard; slight (but distinguished) greying about the temples; handsome, rakish grin.

George Clooney
Richard Carter lookalike, George Clooney.

Remind you of anyone in particular?

George Clooney's rôle model. I can live with that.

Guest informant

OK, I know for a fact that a number of my colleagues read this website—which is fine, chaps, provided you don't ever tell me you've been doing it. This one's for you. The rest of you, please talk amongst yourselves for a while…

It is possible that you might have heard certain rumours about me circulating at work today. For the record, yes, I was indeed spotted entering an expensive hotel in Chester with a very attractive young woman last Saturday afternoon. And, yes, when I realised that I had been spotted, I did indeed say, "Look, you haven't seen me, right!". But it was a joke for Pete's sake!

My companion wasn't, as some of you might have heard, probably some high-class call-girl; she was, in fact, my dear friend Stense, and it was all totally above board: we were going for tea and scones, I tell you.

(But whatever you do, don't tell Jen!)

Middle-class revolt

BBC Radio 4 recently announced that it will soon be dropping the so-called UK Theme—a truly bizarre medley of traditional tunes including Danny Boy, What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor?, Scotland the Brave and Rule Britannia—which has been played before the start of programmes for the last 33 years.

Will they never learn? Don't they know that it simply isn't possible to make the slightest change to the Radio 4 schedule without facing a barrage of criticism from sad, old gimmers who think it's the end of civilisation as they know it? I'm not kidding, I swear some twisted no-wit would complain even if they axed the god-awful You and Yawns.

Oh, yes, and while I'm on the subject, what the hell is What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor? on about? Who the hell decided that the phrase early in the morning should be pronounced earl-aye in the morning? It's not as if they've had to pronounce it stupidly to make it rhyme with something. Are we seriously expected to believe that sailors say earl-aye? I don't remember my peg-legged (I kid you not), merchant-seaman great-grandfather talking that way. Mind you, he did die before I was old enough to understand whatever the hell it was he was saying.

Oh look, someone's started a campaign!