Vegetative state

HOLY CRAP!!

BBC: Iceberg lettuces and broccoli rationed as vegetable crisis hits supermarkets

Personally, I blame the EU, asylum seekers, and the Welsh.

Looking on the bright side, however, there's also a shortage of courgettes.

The colour of bullshit

Some progress at last! We'll need to flesh out one or two details later, obviously, but the good news is our Prime Minister has a firm handle on precisely what colour Brexit needs to be. And it's not just one colour, it's three: red, white and blue!

That certainly seems to clarify matters.

They've been putting an awful lot of thought into this, you can tell. I feel almost stupid for voting for the other side.

Making America grate again

Those crazy Yanks think they can out-stupid us…

Watch and learn, America.

EU Madness!

BBC: Visegrad Group of EU states 'could veto Brexit deal'

A group of Central European countries is ready to veto any Brexit deal that would limit right to work in the UK, Slovakian PM Robert Fico says.

He might be ‘Prime Minister Robert Fico’ to you, Slovakia, but to us he'll always be loveable old Suggs.

Arseholes

Clueless, window-licking, credulous arseholes.
Repugnant, racist, Daily-Mail-reading arseholes.
Cretinous, xenophobic, bed-wetting arseholes.
Bigoted, jaundiced, flag-waving, arseholes.

Odious, small-minded, knuckle-dragging arseholes.
Despicable, unenlightened, vile, vile, arseholes.
Detestable, deluded, jingoistic arseholes.
Disgusting, intolerant, nationalistic arseholes.

Narrow-minded, hateful, hate-filled arseholes.
Lager-swilling, spittle-drooling, Land-of-Hope-and-Glorifying arseholes.
Slack-jawed, fractious, brown-shirted arseholes.
Empire-yearning, yester-yearing, Union-Jack-draped arseholes.

Pathetic, amoral, stupid, stupid, arseholes.
Senseless, chauvinistic, remember-Agincourting arseholes.
Twisted, fuck-witted, quarter-brained arseholes.
Cloddish, brutish, British arseholes.

Who are you going to blame now?

 

14% less rain under Brexit

Today is the June solstice, officially marking the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere. Predictably, here in the UK, it's raining.

Not to worry: the Brexit campaign assures us there will be 14% less rain if we leave the EU. Summers will be 17% longer. Furthermore, the force of gravity will be reduced by 3%, meaning any rain that does fall on England's green and pleasant land will fall more softly—just like it did during the Battle of Britain. Better summers for hard-working British families!

Brexit aren't against rain, you understand. Oh no. But enough is enough. Our water-management systems can't cope with all this foreign precipitation. Once we've left the EU, pesky foreign weather-fronts will be prevented from moving into British airspace. British reservoirs for British water!

Don't believe a word of the scaremongering R[em]AIN campaign and their so-called meteorological experts. We are Great Britain.

Union flag

Long may we rain!

Greecing the wheels of economic recovery

You know me: I like to think outside the box. So try this one on for size. Compare and contrast:

BBC: Greece bailout: Large protests expected against cuts
Greece is braced for large protests against further budget cuts, following a 130bn-euro (£110bn; $170bn) bailout deal aimed at avoiding bankruptcy.

BBC: UK public finances in biggest surplus for four years
The government received more money than it spent in January leaving it with its highest monthly surplus in four years.

In summary, Greece is utterly broke, and we have money going spare. So here's my modest proposal…

We put in a reasonable offer to the Greeks for the Parthenon, dismantle it, ship it over to London, reassemble it in the British Museum's fancy new atrium, and re-attach the Elgin Marbles.

Everyone is happy. It's a win-win-win-win-win situation:

  • the Greeks get some much-needed money;
  • the Elgin Marbles are returned to the Parthenon (the Greeks have been banging on about that for years);
  • the Parthenon is finally protected from acid rain by being placed indoors;
  • we get a new tourist attraction;
  • the British Museum frees up an entire gallery, thereby enabling it to display yet more plundered treasure.

Sometimes, I impress even myself. I bet even Prof. Alice Roberts would have struggled to come up with that one.

I'm a one-man think-tank, me.