British icon, Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking weightlessThis must surely be one of the most uplifting (no pun intended) images of recent years: Stephen Hawking free from his wheelchair and free (in his frame of reference at least) from the effects of the force that has so intrigued him over the years: gravity. The apple was a nice touch too: I'm sure he appreciated it.

But…

Now I know it's wrong to think of a person as being defined by their disability, but in Hawking's case, you have to admit, it's very hard not to. Yes, he's a talented physicist who has come up with one or two nifty ideas—I'll never forget first reading about Hawking Radiation in A Brief History of Time and thinking, "Wow! That's pretty obvious! How come nobody else thought of that?"—but can you honestly tell me you would ever have heard of the chap if he hadn't been confined to a wheelchair and speaking through a voice synthesiser? Me neither. Let's face it, he didn't get trundle-on parts on both StarTrek the Next Generation and The Simpsons because of his physics; he got them because of his wheelchair, his voice and his physics. It's the three things combined that make him into a great British icon.

…Which is why I kind of wish they'd taken a photo or two of him weightless while still in the wheelchair.

Yes, I realise the whole point of the exercise was to let Hawking escape his wheelchair for a few precious moments, but can you imagine the impact of a photograph of the iconic Hawking apparently defying gravity in his wheelchair? The juxtaposition of what science can achieve (make a wheelchair-bound man float in the air) and what it cannot yet achieve (make that wheelchair-bound man better) would be incredibly poignant. It would become, along with the iconic photos of Aldrin on the Moon and Einstein sticking out his tongue, one of the great images of science.

And then there's that voice: doesn't Hawking's trademark, computerised, American accent seem a bit incongruous in someone who is supposed to be a British icon? Engineers at Sheffield University have developed a voice synthesiser based on the voice of Yorkshire poet Ian McMillan. Shouldn't they upgrade Hawking and give him a Barnsley accent? Of course not (although it would be one hell of a hack): Hawking's strange, impersonal, slightly robotic accent help make him less of a national icon and more of a world icon.

A bit like Nelson Mandella.

Go and get a proper job!

Will you just look at yourselfThere's this woman in Church Street, Liverpool who wraps herself in sheets, paints her face white, and stands on a box with a bucket in front of her, pretending to be a statue. You can see similar sights in cities throughout Europe.

What the hell do they think they're playing at? Do they seriously expect me to pay them for standing on a box all day doing nothing? Where's the skill in that?

People who chalk copies of old masterpieces on pavements I get. I don't actually pay them, you understand, but they do at least exhibit a modicum of talent and give passers-by a bit of an art lesson. Jugglers: fine, that's definitely skillful and entertaining. Buskers: well, I'm in total awe of anyone who can play a musical instrument, so good luck to them. But in what way does standing on a box with a bucket in front of you contribute anything to the human experience? Go and get a proper job!

There used to be scruffy, little chap in Liverpool who stood all day holding out a paper cup and wiggling a shrivelled ice popsicle wrapper backwards and forwards very quickly between his fingers. That was his entire act. He didn't make much money, but at least he had the common decency to move.

Actually, I suspect he wasn't quite right in the head.

British innovation in action inaction

Compare and contrast (my appropriately green emphasis added):

BBC: Nuclear Europe: Country guide - United Kingdom

Working nuclear reactors 23
Reactors decommissioned / out of use 21
Electricity from nuclear power 20%

The UK was the first country to use nuclear energy to generate power for large-scale civilian use, opening its first plant in 1956.

The last new reactor was opened in 1995, and Britain has been steadily decommissioning its old plants, with many set to close in the next few years.

BBC: Nuclear Europe: Country guide - France

Working nuclear reactors 59
Reactors decommissioned / out of use 11
Electricity from nuclear power 78%

France has been Europe's most enthusiastic devotee of nuclear power, constructing dozens of reactors since the 1970s oil crises spurred on its desire for energy independence.

It has become the world's biggest net exporter of electricity

The UK's energy policy, on the other hand, is to become totally dependent on greenhouse gas imports from a Russia-led cartel.

Dimensional delusions

Here's a (pretty simple) maths problem for you: a rectangle has an area of 15cm2 and a perimeter of 16cm. What are the lengths of its sides? The answer, if you can't work it out (or even if you can) is 3cm and 5cm. Here's how you might work it out:

  • let the longer sides be m and the shorter sides be n
  • mn = 15 (i.e. m = 15/n)
  • 2m + 2n = 16 ( i.e. m + n = 8 )
  • therefore 15/n + n = 8
  • i.e. 15 + n2 = 8n
  • i.e. n2 - 8n + 15 = 0
  • Factorising (n - 3)(n - 5) = 0
  • Therefore n = 3cm (the smaller solution)
  • And m = 5cm

But hang on a second… Look at the sixth line:

n2 - 8n + 15 = 0

Just think about what that's saying (bearing in mind that we now know n = 3cm): that's saying that 9cm2 (an two-dimensional area) take away 24cm (a one-dimensional length) and add 15 (a no-dimensional integer) equals nothing.

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU TAKE AWAY A LENGTH FROM AN AREA? THEY'RE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS. IT'S LIKE TAKING AWAY CREAM CAKES FROM THE COLOUR BLUE!

Maths is crazy.

Define 'pedantic'

BBC: eBay 'sorry' over policy change

Auction website eBay has apologised for not giving sellers enough notice about a change to the way it lists items…

Peter Jones says his business has been 'decimated', with sales down 90%.

I don't want to kick a man when he's down, but it's far worse than that, Mr Jones: the literal meaning of decimated is down by 10%.

Fishy

Conversation in the kitchen at work last Friday (I am 'R' and my anonymous colleague is 'X'):

X: "Can you smell fish?"
R: "No."
X: "Are you sure? I can definitely smell fish."
R: "No. I have an extremely acute sense of smell, and I can't smell anything."
X: [Sniffs armpit apprehensively.]

Saving the planet

I love composting. Seriously. It's fab.

Back in 2002, I built two compost containers in my garden. They've seen a lot of action since then, let me tell you. I take great pride in my compost: garden waste, teabags, egg-shells, cardboard, potato peelings, you name it, it goes in there.

Every now and then, though, I like to give my compost a bit of a treat. You know, something a bit different to help develop a richer, more rounded end product. So I pop down to Tescos and buy some exotic fruit—guavas, mangos, passion fruit, stuff like that—and I throw it straight into the compost.

Composting is my own small contribution to helping save the planet.

It's good to be green.

But did you see It's Not Easy Being Green on BBC2 this week? Eeeew! There was this women's Tupperware™-type party for tree-huggers where the saleswoman was trying to convince the other ladies to buy something called a menstrual cup. Some sort of sporting trophy, you might think, but no: the saleswoman explained how a menstrual cup was an environmentally friendly, reusable alternative to certain female sanitary products. You know what I'm talking about. "And when you want to clean them, you just pop them in the dishwasher", she cheerfully explained.

Dishwasher. Very green.

The dirty bastards
The dirty, dirty bastards!

Ready when you are, Mr Carter

I apologise for the sound quality (specifically, the lack thereof). Do I really sound that Scouse?

Oh, and before you say anything, the reason my throwing is so crap on the first video was that I was filming with my right hand while throwing with my left. And my right hand didn't know what my left was doing.

I await the call of the Academy.

Silent movie

Roman HolidayStense sent me a belated birthday present yesterday (pictured right).

Very droll.

According to the warning on the back of the box, the film contains infrequent, mild references to sex/nudity, some moderate violence, but no language whatsoever.

Not even Italian.