2,000 not out

This is the 2,000th post on Gruts. To celebrate, here is a video of my dad's talented cocker spaniel, Molly, doing her Howlin' Wolf impersonation.

(If you listen very carefully, Molly says ‘Thank you’ at the end.)

Taken, not given

ITV have pulled the following light-hearted song by comedian Tim Minchin from Jonathan Ross's Christmas show on the grounds that it ‘didn’t quite work editorially’.

For which, read that they are a bunch of spineless cowards, terrified that they might cause the slightest offence to some clueless god-botherer somewhere.

Remember, offence is taken, not given. Personally, I take great offence at censorship of popular entertainment shows on the grounds that certain other people might find the content offensive.

Fairly harmless, isn't it?

What else are ITV protecting us from?

Getting our monikers in a twist

Roger II
Roger II (L) receiving the crown of Sicily from none other than a levitating Jesus Christ (R).
(Well, they do say Jesus is light!)

Today marks the 916th anniversary of the birth of King Roger II of Sicily. Which makes one want to demand to know, how come we have never had a king named Roger?

It turns out that Sicily has had no less than three King Rogers, as well as a William the Bad, a William the Good, a James the Just, a Frederick the Simple, a Ferdinand the Honest, an Alfonso the Magnanimous, and a Queen Joanna the Mad.

We used to dabble with cool names like these for our monarchs too: Æthelstan the Glorious, Edmund the Magnificent, Edgar the Peaceful, Æthelred the Unready, Edward the Confessor, William the Bastard/Conquerer, Richard the Lionheart. But then we seemed to lose interest and the practice pretty much fizzled out. True, there was Edward Longshanks, and Bloody Mary, and the Virgin Queen (yeah, right!), but these nicknames don't stick to the time-honoured formula:

[Monarch's forename] + the + [adjective or noun]

(Apart from where the adjectives are boring ordinal numbers, obviously: George the First, George the Second, and so on.)

I think it's about time we gave our monarchs past, present, and future some decent monikers. Try these for size:

I see this as a vital first step towards rescuing the moribund British monarchy. Kings and queens with appropriate monikers demand nothing but respect.

Erratum: As ever, for peasant read pheasant throughout.

The Wild Boys

Compare and contrast the final sentence of my review of Dan Brown's 'The da Vinci Code':

"Shit, basically."

… with the final sentence of Simon Le Bon from out of Duran Duran's review of Dan Brown's 'The da Vinci Code':

"Complete bollocks, don't waste your money on it."

It's not often that you will find the driving forces behind Gruts and Duran Duran in such close agreement.

Mark our words.


Notes for editors:

  • Simon Le Bon is an international pop star whose hits include Rio, Hungry Like a Wolf and A View to a Kill;
  • Richard Carter likes Brussels sprouts.

Carrying a torch

Hebden Bridge Times: Second chance to shine at Olympics for Frank
A former weightlifter is set to put the Calder Valley on the Olympic map for a second time.
Frank Rothwell, who lives in Hebden Bridge, has been given a conditional offer to carry the Olympic Torch as it winds its way through Britain next year.
Frank, a former champion weightlifter who represented Ireland at the Munich Olympics in 1972, said he didn’t know in which part of the country he would be carrying the famous flame, but hoped it would be in Halifax on Sunday, June 24.

The gentleman in question is Jen's Uncle Frankie. Which gives me the perfect excuse for showing you my all-time favourite sporting photograph. Here is Frank training for the Olympics in his kitchen in the early 1970s:

Training for the Olympics