Liverpool manic street preacher this lunchtime (using megaphone): We are all lost without Jesus Christ… WE ARE ALL LOST!!
Me: You're in Church Street, mate.
One-nil to the atheists, I think.
Garlic
When you think about it, if everyone ate something containing garlic at least once per day:
- everyone would be a little bit happier;
- everyone would be a little bit healthier;
- no one would notice the smell.
A winner all round.
You're a celebrity? Get out of here!
BBC: I'm A Celebrity: Stacey Solomon crowned 'queen of jungle'
Stacey Solomon has been crowned "queen of the jungle" in ITV1 reality show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!
No, me neither.
Book porn
While Stense was in town on Friday, we paid an obligatory visit to our favourite Welsh bookshop. Here's a video I made. Stense has an unwitting walk-off part 1:50 in.
Soundtrack: Riding the Banshee (Instrumental), free royalty-free music by DanoSongs.com
How not to take a self-portrait
As regular readers of Gruts will know, I am an excellent photographer.
"Yes," they might say, "but that's because you have an excellent camera."
Whilst it is true that I do indeed have an excellent camera, it is pretty easy to take superb photographs with the simplest of photographic equipment, provided you use a bit of common-sense, and follow a few simple guidelines.
For example, here are a few simple guidelines if you plan to take a portrait of yourself and an old friend who happens to be visiting from out-of-town:
- choose a suitable, well-lit area in which to take your photograph;
- if you can't find a well-lit area, use a flash gun;
- use a tripod and self-timer;
- if you and your friend are standing next to each other (as will usually be the case), take the photograph in landscape rather than portrait mode to make sure that you both fit into the picture;
- do not drink a pint of ale, half a bottle of Shiraz, and a couple of extremely large Glenmorangies before attempting to take the photograph;
- above all else, if the camera has a video mode, make sure you haven't engaged it accidentally.
As it so happened, Stense was visiting from out-of-town yesterday, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to illustrate the sort of thing that can happen if you attempt to take a portrait of yourself and an old friend, and you don't follow the simple guidelines listed above:
Piece of cake, really.
Tell us something we don't know
BBC: Hebden Bridge wins top award as best town in Britain
Hebden Bridge has been named as the best town in Britain and Ireland at the Urbanism Awards.
Take that, Buxton! In yer face, Hay-on-Wye! Better luck next time, Whitby!
Smug? Us? Nay, lad!
Be honest, you've seen this coming for a long time…
Lovely couple
I see Prince William has finally plucked up the courage to propose to Kate Winslet. I'm no royalist, but I have to say they make a lovely couple.
It is reported that William sought Kate's father's permission to marry his daughter. Evidently, Mr Winslet neglected to enquire whether there was a history of madness in William's family.
Far be it from me to raise a touchy subject at this early stage, but I do hope the Powers That Be at Buckingham Palace will be urging Kate not to get her tits out during the wedding ceremony. Let's face it, she does have something of a reputation. But, like them or loathe them, royal weddings are supposed to be dignified occasions.
Put 'em away, Kate, we've seen them before!
Parking mad
BBC: Councils lobby government to raise parking fines
… The British Parking Association argues that the differential between the cost of parking all day and the penalty charge for not paying it must increase in order for there to be a deterrent.
For one point, children, can you think of any other way of increasing the difference between the cost of parking all day and the penalty charge for not paying, other than by increasing the penalty charge?
400,000 not out
As at 00:45am this morning, I was 400,000 hours old.
That's 24 million minutes.
Or 1.44 billion seconds.
Or Gas Mark 8.