Herpetillogical

Telegraph: Reptiles now more popular pets than dogs

Calculations by the British Federation of Herpetologists (BFH) indicate that there are now as many as eight million reptiles and amphibians being kept as pets in the UK. This compares to an estimated dog population of 6.5 million.

The growth in reptile numbers is so rapid that within years they will overtake the country's nine million cats to become Britain's most popular pets.

Great piece of spin from the BFH, but I feel I should point out that they are confusing the words popular and populous (or, more correctly, as reptiles and amphibians are not people, numerous). If a small handful of nutters suddenly decided to start keeping large ant colonies in their back gardens, the ants might soon outnumber cats and dogs combined, but that would not make them more popular, as only a small handful of nutters would care two farts about the ants.

All of which reminds me of one of my favourite cryptic crossword clues: Woman's favourite science? [11]. Answer: HER-PET-OLOGY (geddit?).

Faffing about

Telegraph Wind turbines would need to cover Wales to supply a sixth of country's energy needs

An area the size of Wales would need to be covered in wind turbines to meet just a sixth of the nation's daily energy needs, according to a new study that has cast doubt over the Government's push for wind energy.

(Note how the Telegraph's journalist bizarrely transforms 'an area the size of Wales' into meaning quite literally Wales in the story's headline.)

Time to stop faffing about and invoke the nuclear option.

Setting the bar higher

I found myself in the unusual position of talking with a geneticist the other week, so I decided to seize the opportunity to ask the question on everyone's lips: how long will it be before we can genetically engineer a talking dog?

Imagine my disillusionment when the geneticist replied to my question along the lines of, "Never. We will never have talking dogs". Actually, she didn't reply along those lines at all; those were her exact words: "Never. We will never have talking dogs".

I think this shows a startling lack of ambition within the geneticist community. If, indeed, geneticists have communities. How are we ever going to engineer talking dogs if they dismiss the very idea as impossible before they've even tried? They need to set the bar higher; reach for the stars. We are human beings, and we don't take impossible for an answer. Splitting the atom was impossible; having a conversation with someone on the other side of the Atlantic was impossible; going to the moon was impossible. But we bloody well did it!

My mum's dog, an incredibly intelligent young cocker spaniel named Molly, can talk. Well, almost. When I turned up at my parents' house on Tuesday, I found they had accidentally bolted the door, so I rang the bell:

"WOOF! WOOF! W O O F !" barked Molly, in her scariest, I'm-a-bloody-huge-dog-so-don't-you-mess-with-me-Mr-Burglar voice.

"Don't be silly, Molly, it's Richard!" I heard my mum say as she came to open the door.

"Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!!" said Molly, in her here-comes-Richard voice.

If any geneticists out there are interested in engineering a talking dog, and would like a sample of Molly's DNA by way of a major shortcut, please let me know.

Sexing calves

Sexing calves
Sexing calves this afternoon.

Farmer: Is that one a boy or a girl?
Me: How the hell should I know?
Farmer: Lift its tail!
Me: [Lifting calf's tail.] I can't see anything.
Farmer: Well, have a feel.
Me: I'm sorry, but you can fuck right off! This is where I draw the line. I am not about to start feeling up cattle!

(Not that I'd have been any the wiser if I had.)

Lest we forget

Yesterday was the 90th anniversary of the 1918 Armistice. I spent the night at my parents' house. We watched a documentary in which Rolf Harris visited the First World War battleground on which his father was injured and his uncle killed.

"They were very brave, weren't they, the Aztecs," observed mum.

She meant Anzacs.

Monk fight!!!

BBC: Monks brawl at Jerusalem shrine

Israeli police have had to restore order at one of Christianity's holiest sites after a brawl broke out between monks in Jerusalem's Old City.

Fighting erupted between Greek Orthodox and Armenian monks at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, the traditional site of Christ's crucifixion.

(Includes video.)

Sign of the times

Number of magazines dedicated to the subject of body piercing and tattoos in the Liverpool branch of W.H.Smith: 6.

Spinning out of control

Although Blair's gone, New Labour spin still flourishes at the Department for Transport:

BBC: Hoon backs speed camera overhaul

Transport secretary Geoff Hoon has said traditional fixed-point speed cameras may be replaced by "fairer" versions which measure drivers' average speed.

He told the Sunday Times he understood why cameras which measure speed at just one point were not popular.

I'm sure you fully appreciate, Mr Hoon, that average speed cameras will be even less popular than fixed-point ones, because average speed cameras actually work in forcing people to slow down over large stretches of road. Average speed cameras might be a bit more popular if you also upped the ridiculously low speed limits on many of our roads at the same time, but I'm pretty damn sure that's not going to happen.

Oh yes, and average speed cameras can only work by scanning and recording the numberplate details of every car passing by them. The ghost of George Orwell is spinning in his grave, moaning I told you so!

Politicians, eh: don't you just love them?

Clicking with the ladies

BBC: Antelope's sex signal in the knee

To demonstrate their sexual prowess, peacocks spread their tail feathers, men flex their muscles and eland antelope, it seems, click their knees.

Story of my bloody life. How come human females aren't turned on by clicky knees? I'd be a major heart-throb!

(Not that I'm not already, you understand.)