Satire is getting harder and harder to spot

NewsBiscuit: Smokers banned from naming or pointing at favourite brand

In further moves to discourage smoking, the Department of Health have announced a complete ban on naming your favourite brand of cigarette or pointing at them in the newsagents and tobacconists.

From now on smokers will have to perform an elaborate round of charades to express their desire to purchase a packet of cigarettes' explained Jane Shillitoe, Under Secretary of State for Health. 'For example, '20 Benson and Hedges' would involve flashing both palms twice, then doing a sounds-like hen move, then indicating a sun, then a little cross to symbolise the word 'and', and finally a mime which recreates a pair of garden hedges. We expect to reduce smoking across the population, except possibly among mime artists.'

Faith, fast-tracking and charity

Our former Prime Minister (who famously didn't do God) seems to have wasted no time at all since he left office converting with unseemly haste to Roman Catholicism and setting up his very own Faith Foundation (Nerdy Note: rel="nofollow" attribute invoked in hyperlink tag to signal my utter non-endorsement).

I couldn't help noticing that, with equally unseemly haste, said faith foundation has been awarded charitable status (registered in England, no 1123243)—hot on the heels of the delightfully named HA.SH Foundation.

I have it on very good authority that it's a job and a half getting an organisation registered as a charity in England. The question has to be asked, was Blair fast-tracked?

Or perhaps he just had a quiet word with his imaginary friend in the sky.

Two sights which made me smile yesterday

Well, more like grin from ear to ear than smile, really:

  1. In the main shopping street in Liverpool: one of the local tramps dressed in an immaculate full evening suit, contentedly walking along, smoking a two-foot-long cigar.
  2. At the side of the road near my house: an elderly couple walking their elderly dog. Hanging delicately from the dog's mouth, a small, knotted plastic bag with some poo in it. I assume it was the dog's own poo, but it was hard to tell.

… and still the government finds yet more things to ban

This time, they want to ban logos on cigarette packets to discourage kids from smoking.

Hoorah! That ought to do it!

The really important thing is to be seen to be doing something, no matter how ineffective and petty it might be. Change is progress. If the government isn't doing anything, then what do we need a government for?

Yes, banning cigarette logos was top of my list too, Gordon. Glad to see you're getting your priorities right. Very well done!

Liverpool One (rest of the world, nil)

Liverpool One phase 1 opens
Liverpool yesterday.
(The red carpet was red, of course.)

The Liverpool city centre moved a significant distance further west yesterday. No, not an earthquake: phase one of the new multi-million pound Liverpool One shopping and business centre opened in the middle of the biggest building site in Europe.

I went to have a look. Even though only 20% of the complex is open so far, it's seriously impressive. It's scheduled for completion in September. Can't wait to see the result.

Count me in

Hebden Bridge Times: Society to disband after 74 years

Mytholmroyd Chrysanthemum Society has disbanded after 74 years…

Former secretary for 23 years Stuart Jackson, 64, said: "I am sad to see the group go after 74 years. No one grows chrysanthemums in Mytholmroyd any more…"

They should keep it going. I love the idea of a society whose members aren't in the least bit interested in whatever it is that the society is supposed to be about.

If anyone's thinking of starting a society called The Ballet Society, specifically for people who don't go to the ballet, count me in.

Blowing in the wind

Having the surname Carter, I occasionally had to put up with farter jokes at school. It never really bothered me. Donald Trump had a similar problem, I understand, and it didn't do him any harm.

I do wonder, however, how Dean Windass ever managed to cope.

The poor bastard.