Cock v Papal Bull

Guardian: Vatican urged to act quickly on condoms

The World Health Organisation's head of HIV/Aids called on the Vatican yesterday to speed up a decision on the limited use of condoms in pandemic-hit countries.

I do hope the Vatican finally sees some sense. There's a first time for everything. It was the previous pope's irresponsible position on condoms that made me realise that John Paul II was an evil little turd whom they would probably make into a saint one day. (Not that I believe in good and evil, you understand.)

On a lighter note, have you noticed the name of the WHO's head of HIV/AIDS who is calling for the Vatican to change its stance condoms? He is none other than Kevin De Cock.

You couldn't make this stuff up. I'll bet he was teased mercilessly at school.

It lends a whole new meaning to the phrase Thank Kevin for little girls.

Bailey's

I see Bailey's Irish Cream are advertising two exciting new flavours: mint chocolate and crème caramel.

That's on top of their traditional baby vomit flavour.

Scam

Jen and I bought a few provisions in a local Spar in Edinburgh on Friday. The total came to £5.10. I handed the woman on the till a £10 note, and Jen handed her a 10p piece. The woman handed back a £5 note as change, which Jen pocketed.

"I'm liking the way that went," said the woman on the till, nodding appreciatively. "I'm liking it a lot."

I hadn't a clue what she was talking about.

Eden

Hand-written sign spotted in a shop in Edinburgh:

UNATTENDED CHILDREN
WILL BE USED
AS SLAVES

Wacky Group

As Jen and were going down an escalator in Edinburgh on Saturday, coming up the escalator the other way was a group of a dozen pensioners wearing furry, pink cowboy hats.

"Are you chaps together?" I asked.

They looked back at me as if I was the one wearing a furry, pink cowboy hat.

The Entering Scotland Game

This one's dead easy to play. As you cross the border from England into Scotland, jubilantly shout out the word:

H O O T S !

For even more fun, when returning the other way, why not play the Entering England Game? The principle's exactly the same, but this time you shout:

O H   I   S A Y !

Back Again

Kilts!I'm back from a weekend in Edinburgh with Jen, who's up there on a two-week course.

I'll give you a few Scotch yarns later in the week. In the meantime, here are some holiday snaps.

[The haggis was fantastic, by the way.]

Handy Hint

When crossing a one-way street, look both ways just in case some sodding idiot cyclist to whom the laws of the road apparently do not apply is bombing down it the wrong way.

When she—for it was indeed a she, although I did not let that curtail my Anglo-Saxon expletives—ends up under a car, the headlines will no doubt read Motorist Kills Cyclist.