Life imitates Gruts

Remember this from December 2009?

I see Manchester City F.C. has a new manager, Roberto Mancini.

This is blatant Gunners envy. The Citizens simply couldn't stomach the fact that Arsenal were the only Premiership side whose manager, Arsène Wenger, had a name which was practically identical to the club's. So Man. City had to have Mancini. It was as simple as that.

What nonsense can we expect next? Chelsea Clinton to manage The Pensioners? Trevor Nunn to take over at Goodison? The late Oliver Poole to replace Benítez at Anfield?

Well, not quite. But I couldn't help noticing that the team synonymous with the Kop has just appointed a new manager with the made-up name of Jurgen Klopp.

The world has gone mad.


Guardian: Hurricane Norbert batters Baja California and heads north-west

Do you think they're starting to scrape the barrel when it comes to hurricane names? Norbert: what sort of name is that for any tropical cyclone worth its salt? I mean, it's not even a real name. Have you ever met anyone named Norbert? Me neither.

Apparently, Norbert means ‘famous in the North’. Not in this bloody North he's not. Up here, I guarantee, you won't hear tales of the legendary Norbert, who famously did something famous for which he is now remembered throughout the region. In fact, I can honestly say, I have never even heard of anyone named Norbert, let alone actually met someone with that unfortunate monicker. It's a made-up name. It's a joke name. In fact, I've just consulted the Famous People Named Norbert web page and it only lists five men, all but one of whom are dead, and absolutely none of whom you will have heard of. Not even Norbert Leo Butz, the ‘#1 person named Norbert’, who famously graduated from Webster University and the University of Alabama before beginning his career as a Broadway performer, and who then went on to appear on such television shows as The Deep End, Law & Order: SVU, The Good Wife, and Smash.

Do you think that Norbert Leo Butz, in an attempt perhaps to turn the inevitable topic of conversation away from his surname, tries to impress strangers with the fact that, according to the Famous People Named Norbert website, he's the #1 person named Norbert in the whole world? I suppose it's a claim to fame of sorts. But, as with the hurricane names, it smacks of barrel-scraping.

I mean, just imagine if your house got flattened, and you had to explain that you had been made homeless by Hurricane Norbert. Where's the dignity in that? People would just piss themselves laughing, or think you'd made it up.

No, enough is enough! You can't have a hurricane named Norbert. Whatever next? Hurricane Robin? Hurricane Keith (no offence)? Actually, no, it turns out these things are planned in advance. The next Eastern North Pacific hurricanes of the 2014 season, if there are any, will be named (I'm not making this up): Odile, then Polo, then Rachel, then Simon, then Trudy, then Vance, then Winnie, then Xavier, then Yolanda, then Zeke.

Actually, perhaps Norbert isn't such a damn stupid name for a hurricane after all.

Not an endorsetment

Nite Owl has drawn to my attention to the fact that the Tory candidate for the post of Dorset Police and Crime Commissioner has a rather unfortunate name:

Nick King

N.B. Gruts does not endorse the politicisation of the police.

Not quite as unfortunate a name as an acquaintance two-times-removed of Jen's: a certain Robin Bastard.

I would have thought commissioning crime was illegal.

Bambang, thank you ma'am!

President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono

President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono

It turns out that the President of Indonesia is named Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono.

President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono is an awesome name.

President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono is a Star Wars name.

Why can't we have leaders with Star Wars names? John Major, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, David Cameron: they're a bit bland to say the least.

I suppose Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman wasn't a bad name. Nor was Bonar Law (if you conveniently overlook his frankly embarrassing Andrew). But they don't have quite the same ring to them as President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono.

Neville Chamberlain

Neville Chamberlain

Ironically, perhaps, I reckon the most Star-Warsey Prime Minister's name we have had so far is Neville Chamberlain. I can imagine a light-sabre-wielding Jedi wookie named Neville Chamberlain gallumphing across the sands of Tatooine in pursuit of Tusken Raiders and peace in our time. Either him or Clement Attlee. But, on the whole, our Prime Ministers have had some pretty crap names.

The day one of our political parties elects a leader named Duk-Duk Oomondo Calrissian is the day that party gets my vote.

They're missing a trick, I tell you.