Technobabble

I'm sort of half-watching StarTrek Voyager on telly as I type, and I've just worked out that the so-called science officer is a total fraud. He's just spent five minutes standing in the background pretending to be playing on a computer or something, while some alien doctor (whom I don't trust one iota, by the way) spouted total pseudo-scientific bollocks to some other short-arse alien with spots on his face, whom I gather is one of the crew. So how come the science officer didn't step in there and point out that the first alien was talking through his anus (assuming he has one, that is)? It's obvious: he doesn't know the first thing about science (and no, Mr Science Officer, don't you give me any of your "Emergency containment field activated" nonsense, I'm not buying it!).

Oh, the alien doctor's just died. I guess he didn't have an ulterior motive after all.

See also: This evening's Star Trek TNG

Incognito

Bashful Stense
Stense attempting to conceal her identity yesterday.

Stense was in town yesterday, so we went for what turned out to be an excellent meal in a local pub.

"Table for two?" asked the landlady.

"Yes please," I said.

"Where about would you like to sit?"

"Somewhere we're not likely to be spotted."

The landlady laughed and gave us a table by the window.

Look, I said I was sorry!

SMS conversation with Stense earlier today:

Me: Afternoon, matey! Are we still on for tomorrow? Need to book a room at my Oldies'!
Stense: Def still on for tomorrow!
Me: Smart casual?
Stense: Just the usual pimp's outfit should be fine!
Me: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?

Tolkien nerdish

Sunday Times: X-rated Tolkien: it's not for the kiddies

A darkness is once again descending on JRR Tolkien's fabled land of Middle-earth. An unfinished work completed by the writer's son is such a departure from the world of hobbits that it may merit an X-certificate.

The manuscript for The Children of Hurin, to be published next spring, contains incest, suicide and a multitude of violent deaths. Any film version is likely to have restricted audiences because of the subject matter.

Christopher Tolkien has spent the past 30 years working on the epic tale that his father began in 1918 while on leave from the army. JRR, who was recovering from trench fever contracted during the battle of the Somme, later abandoned the work.

Much of Tolkien's abandoned work was published many years ago in the book Unfinished Tales. I have to say, it's a stonking tale, and it's a real shame he never got to finish it. I don't know why his son felt the need to finish it, as the published (albeit unfinished) version stands on its own two feet.

Anyway, be that as it may, I've just had a thought. Excuse me while I completely nerd-out for a few bullet points (I read an awful lot of Tolkien in my youth, don't you know?):

  • The Children of Hurin goes by the full, made-up-Tolkien-language title Narn I Hin Hurin (literally The Lay of the Children of Hurin—Lay meaning poem in obsolete English). So, the word Narn means poem (or poetic tale) in made-up-Tolkien-language;
  • Tolkien's best friend was C.S. Lewis, but Tolkien got somewhat pissed off with Lewis because Lewis kept nicking his ideas;
  • C.S. Lewis's poor excuse for a Tolkien-rip-off fantasy land was named Narnia;
  • … I reckon Lewis based the name Narnia on Tolkien's word Narn—so Narnia would mean The Land of Poetic Tales.

Well, that's my theory, and I'm sticking to it.

(OK, I know, I'll get my coat.)

See also: A Rather Curious Number

When all you've got is a hammer…

…everything starts to look like a nail [old Chinese proverb].

I was helping Carolyn review her CV today. Every accountant I have ever met writes their CV in Microsoft Excel. No matter that Excel is totally unsuitable for the job, it's the tool of their trade; it's what they're used to; it's what's to hand.

Similarly, my farmer friend uses the plastic string that comes round bails of hay for just about everything. There's a book in there somewhere: 101 Uses for Bailer Band (or 102, if you tie up your hay bails with it). No kidding, I've even seen her truss up a chicken with the stuff prior to broiling it (it turned the broth a lovely shade of blue).

Adapting/kludging solutions from what is to hand was a pet theme of my favourite writer, the late Stephen Jay Gould. If you're not familiar with his books, you should give them a try. I particularly recommend Bully For Brontosaurus.

Abstinonsense

BBC: Many would 'want to live to 100'

Many Britons would give up favourite things, including sex, to reach 100 years of age, a poll suggests.

Some 40% said they would give up sex—half of women and a third of men—39% food and drinks and 42% travel.

Why do people have to be so STUPID? Why elect to give up sex and food and travel and stuff in order to live to be 100, when they might just as easily have chosen to give up things they don't like doing, such as filling in tax returns, or mowing the lawn? Me? I would quite happily give up decorating, going to the dentist, and queuing behind old ladies who prefer to pay with cash, if it meant I could live to be 100.

I mean, it stands to reason.

See also:

Hey, I've found just the place to store all those green boats!

More weird green boatery on Flickr

Slovenian artist Matej Andraz Vogrincic has created a new artwork in the derelict shell of St Luke's church, Liverpool, which was burned out by a German incendiary bomb in 1941. The piece comprises 56 green fibreglass boats, moulded from a 114-year-old original found on the coast of Slovenia.

My guess is that it is supposed to symbolise the emigration of Irish people to Liverpool (and thence to the New World) during the mid-nineteenth century… The church's gardens are the site of a monument to the Irish Potato Blight.

It's pretty damn cool, and the best use I've seen a church put to.

More photos »