How to become an elected dictator

61 years ago today, Hamburg radio announced that Adolf Hitler was dead. He'd topped himself the day before. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving chap. Do you know, he even poisoned his dog beforehand, the nasty, little turd!

Hitler went to a lot of trouble to become his nation's leader. A dodgy election campaign was followed by a plebiscite conferring draconian new powers on the man with the stupid moustache. So Hitler always had the comfort of being able to claim that he was a democractically elected Führer. Dictators have a thing about being democratically elected.

But I think I've spotted a really easy way to get myself elected dictator of Britain, without any bloodshed or anything (and then it'll be furry-pillowcase time for all those sodding cats):

BBC: Britain 'needs compulsory voting'

Britons should be forced to vote in elections, a think-tank has said. The Institute for Public Policy Research's report suggests those who do not vote should be fined to combat low turnout at the polls…

Under the institute's plan, electors would be offered a "none of the above" choice or could simply spoil their papers.

If anyone is ever crazy enough to introduce compulsory voting, all I will need to do is change my name to None of the Above, put myself up for election in every constituency, and I will cruise to victory almost totally unopposed.

The British public takes its apathy very seriously.

It's what grandad fought the Nazis for.

Quoting Peter Kaye…

At the end of my second-ever I.M. chat with Carolyn (and, indeed, anyone) last night:

Me: …Oh yes, and before I forget… Knock knock…
Carolyn: who's there?
Me: Bigish.
Carolyn: bigish who?
Me: Sorry, mate, I haven't got any spare change! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
Carolyn: very funny - goodnight!

Spotty Johnson

Last week, mum was telling me how, when she was a girl, all the local dogs were referred to by their name plus the surname of their owners. In her neighbourhood, there were:

  • Towser Green
  • Bob Dorricot
  • Raff Jones
  • Spotty Johnson

(Yes, that's right: people really did used to name their dogs Towser.)

It seems to me that giving dogs surnames acknowledges that, unlike cats, they are an integral part of the family. I'm all for it.

So what's your dog called?

Postscript: Actually, Spotty Johnson would be a damn fine name for a band (Fitz please note).

Ach x 2!

Regrettable news from Scotland:

BBC: Plans to build Europe's largest onshore wind farm on a vast stretch of moorland south of Glasgow have been approved by the Scottish Executive.

BBC: A cat managed to swim to safety despite being stuffed into a bag and thrown into an Aberdeen river.

PRAGMATIC GREENS SHOCK!

Washington Post: Going Nuclear: A Green Makes the Case

In the early 1970s when I helped found Greenpeace, I believed that nuclear energy was synonymous with nuclear holocaust, as did most of my compatriots. That's the conviction that inspired Greenpeace's first voyage up the spectacular rocky northwest coast to protest the testing of U.S. hydrogen bombs in Alaska's Aleutian Islands. Thirty years on, my views have changed, and the rest of the environmental movement needs to update its views, too, because nuclear energy may just be the energy source that can save our planet from another possible disaster: catastrophic climate change…

And I am not alone among seasoned environmental activists in changing my mind on this subject. British atmospheric scientist James Lovelock, father of the Gaia theory, believes that nuclear energy is the only way to avoid catastrophic climate change. Stewart Brand, founder of the "Whole Earth Catalog," says the environmental movement must embrace nuclear energy to wean ourselves from fossil fuels. On occasion, such opinions have been met with excommunication from the anti-nuclear priesthood: The late British Bishop Hugh Montefiore, founder and director of Friends of the Earth, was forced to resign from the group's board after he wrote a pro-nuclear article in a church newsletter.

Postscript: See the first of the comments on this item for a link to a (free) techno-thriller novel of nuclear power by a longtime industry insider.

15,000 Not Out

HOLY CRAP!! Get this: I am fifteen-thousand days old today. Fifteen-THOUSAND! That's over 127 giraffe years. Jesus!

Think about it: if you counted from zero to 15,000 at the rate of one number per second (i.e. one second for every day of my life so far), it would take you four hours and ten minutes to get there. Four hours and ten minutes: that's 58 minutes longer than you would need to watch the interminable new King Kong movie.

That's a shed-load of seconds.

See also: 13,000 Not Out

Spirit of the crap

email to Fitz on Saturday:

Subject: Turn of phrase

…Well, not so much a turn of phrase as a new word I coined while I was pissed last night, which I will use to describe whatever is the current paradigm when it comes to crap theories, etc:

shitegeist

Rix

(I thought I'd better put this on the record before Fitz steals it—although a quick Google search reveals that, as usual, plenty of other people got there first.)