How to use maths to get chatted-up

Fact: Bad mathematics can get you chatted-up. Well, sort of. Bad mathematics certainly got me chatted-up once; I don't know if it works that way for everyone. Well, when I say chatted-up, I mean spoken to unexpectedly by a member of the opposite sex—which pretty much counted, back in the early 1980s. Or it might even have been the late 1970s.

Irish Mick and I were on our way home from school. For some reason, we were on the top floor of a bus. There must have been something wrong with the trains. Anyway, it had been raining heavily, and the windows were all steamed up, so I explained to Irish Mick (who wasn't even Irish Mick back then) how I could prove mathematically that two equals one. I wrote my proof in the condensation on the window. It went like this:

Let a = b
∴ a² = ab
∴ a² - b² = ab - b²
Factorise…
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
∴ (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
∴ a + b = b
But remember, a = b, so…
b + b = b
∴ 2b = b
∴ 2 = 1
Q.E.D

Irish Mick looked on bemused, then went back to reading The Lord of the Rings. After about ten minutes, however, this cute girl on the seat behind us leant forward and said, “Excuse me, I've been staring at that proof for ten minutes, and I can't work out what's wrong with it. Can you explain, please?”

So I did.

I never saw her again.

Lesson: Never explain anything: it totally destroys the air of mystery.

Kodak slides

BBC: Kodak files for bankruptcy protection
Eastman Kodak, the company that invented the hand-held camera, has filed for bankruptcy protection.

A classic Kodachrome slideSad day. How are the mighty fallen, and all that. I know Kodak is a major multinational company, but I have a very soft spot for it. Never forget that it was Kodak who brought photography to the masses: You press the button, we do the rest—the company's motto said it all.

I have an awful lot of treasured memories saved for posterity, thanks to Kodak. I'm sure you do to. Their Kodachrome slide film, which was discontinued in 2009, was promoted as much for its archival quality as for its image quality. It wasn't hype: when I look through my old slides, decades after I took them, the Kodachrome shots, which form the vast majority, are as good as the day I got them back through the post (yes, kids, we used to have to send our photos away to be ‘developed’); many of my slides taken on rival brands' film are now faded, or have distorted colours. Kodak knew what they were doing, when it came to film.

But, apart from registering a few important patents, Kodak totally blew it when it came to digital: they didn't see the rampaging elephant approaching over the hill until it was too late. I hate it when business people use Darwinian analogies, but, in this case, it seems unavoidable: Kodak failed to adapt to a changing ecosystem, and died.

For nostalgia's sake, I hope the Kodak brand somehow lives on—albeit in greatly diminished form.

Gabby Logan, deux points

I have what I like to think is a healthy cynicism regarding any so-called sport which is performed to music, and where points are awarded for artistic merit or international relations: figure skating, certain gymnastic events, the Eurovision Song Contest, and so on. Top of the list, obviously, must be synchronised bloody swimming.

The other week, ticket-sellers cocked up and oversold 10,000 tickets for the forthcoming Olympic synchronised bloody swimming competition. Yes, ten-thousand: there are ten-thousand saddoes out there prepared to part with their hard-earned cash for the privilege of watching girls with bulldog clips on their noses perform semi-aquatic dance-erobics with Phil Bloody Collins blaring away in the background. No, come to think of it, there are far more saddoes than that, because that's just the oversold tickets. Jee-zuss!

It's phenomenally popular, for some incomprehensible reason, synchronised bloody swimming. Which makes me wonder whether the BBC might have missed a trick. They've managed to get the clueless public glued to their telly sets every Saturday evening to watch no-mark Z-list celebrities take ballroom-dancing lessons. Quality telly, that—and cheap as well. So how come they haven't latched on to the idea of celebrity synchronised bloody swimming? Hell, even I would watch that. Even an old cynic like me would be unable to pass up the opportunity to watch Ann Widdecombe, Jordan or Kerry Katona putting themselves at severe risk of drowning.

Jordan
No risk whatsoever of drowning.

Actually, no, I don't think Jordan would be at any risk whatsoever of drowning. Better make it Emma Bunton instead.

Moonshine

Dear Richard

Please excuse us for contacting you out of the blue. Zim Grady is a massively unknown three piece middle-aged hobby-ist band from Oxford, England.

We hope you're ok with us using one of your images (this one) on some art to accompany an EP that we've made available for free download at zimgrady.bandcamp.com/album/moonshine-ep.

Moonshine EP artworkThe lead track on the EP, Moonshine and Harness, has a line in the second verse about clutching a bottle of Angry Chimp Moonshine. If you go to the link above, you'll see that we've used your picture of a bronze chimp head from the Natural History Museum as the basis for a fictional moonshine brand logo. Should you have a listen we hope you'll like the track (obviously!), and appreciate the re-use of your pic.

We've credited you under the CC license you chose for the image and linked to your Flickr homepage at the page on our website above. Please let us know if you'd like us to amend the credit in any way.

All the best,
John (the bassist from Zim Grady)

Meanwhile, in financial news…

Guardian: Eurozone in new crisis as ratings agency downgrades nine countries
Standard & Poor's strips France of its AAA credit rating, rekindling fears in the markets over future of single currency.

It serves them right. What do they expect, if they choose to be rated by an agency named Standard & Poor's? The clue's in the name.

I'm thinking of setting up a credit-rating agency named Extraordinary & Brilliant. That should bring the punters flocking in.

I don't understand all the fuss about these credit-ratings. Remember, it was these same agencies that previously gave the Eurozone countries a clean bill of health. So what the hell do they know?

Can't be done

Poor young Lana Del Rey! Everything was going so well, and then David Cameron had to come along and blurt out that he is a fan. Definitely not cool.

What? You don't have a clue who I'm talking about? He's the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, for Pete's sake! Oh, right, you mean Lana Del Ray. She's an up-and-coming pop chanteuse who made a song last year called Video Games, which was a big hit. It was pretty OK, if you like that sort of thing. Here's the video. No need to watch it if you're not that way inclined.

Like I say, it's a pretty OK song. But what worries me about Video Games is the opening verse:

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Have you ever tried to whistle someone's name? It can't be done. Not unless the ‘person’ in question is a budgerigar, a Star Wars™ droid™, or a clanger. Go on, have a go: try to whistle the name Lana Del Ray. I guarantee it won't sound anything like the name Lana Del Ray; it will sound much more like the opening four notes of Scott Joplin's The Entertainer.

Tell you what, I'll make it easier: try just to whistle the name Lana. Go on, I can wait…

It came out sounding like the first two notes of Colonel Bogey, didn't it? It could have represented any two-syllable word, couldn't it? Richard, for example, or onion.

Like I said, you simply can't whistle someone's name. Whistles come in notes; names come in vowels and consonants. They don't map.

Why don't people think about what they're saying when they write these lyrics? Is it any bloody wonder the Prime Mister speaks in meaningless platitudes when this is the sort of nonsense he likes to listen to?

Kozy relationship

Guardian Business Blog: Eurozone crisis: Merkel and Sarkozy hold rescue talks
Leaders of France and Germany meet in Berlin today to discuss new fiscal rules for the eurozone.

Merkozy, they're calling the current Germano-French relationship. Merkel and Sarkozy—do you see what they did there?

I like to think, in an alternative reality, Mrs T. is still running the country, and has formed a pact with the French President. They would no doubt refer to the relationship as the T-kozy.

(Mrs T. and Sarkozy—do you see what I did there? T-kozy, do you get it?)

That should certainly make better Europeans of us Brits!

Like I say, in an alternative reality.