Shorter than a legally parked car, it's…
Turning turtle
Almost as long as humans, then.
Using my swede
Jen and I had roast pork for dinner last night. It was excellent. We had it with mashed carrot and swede. As usual, there was too much swede, so we only used half. The following conversation took place:
R: There's half a swede left. I could use that to make the world's biggest potato-print!
J: But it wouldn't be a potato-print; it would be a swede-print.
R: Hey! I might win the Turnip Prize!
(I'm here all week, folks!)
Light red touch-paper and stand well back
* Sigh! *
Observer: Coming home to the Yorkshire Dales
Andrea Arnold's moody adaptation of Wuthering Heights looks set to inspire renewed interest in the Brontë sisters when it opens this week.
For the twenty-five BILLIONTH time…
B R O N T Ë C O U N T R Y I S N O T I N T H E S O D D I N G Y O R K S H I R E D A L E S ! !
Look, it's PERFECTLY SIMPLE. Compare and contrast:
IT'S NOT EXACTLY ROCKET SCIENCE, IS IT?!
Jee-zuss!
Status cymbals
If you can play a guitar and harmonica at the same time, like Bob Dylan or Neil Young, you’re a genius. But make that extra bit of effort and strap some cymbals to your knees, suddenly people want to get the hell away from you.
—Rich Hall, American comedian.
Come on you yellow polka-dots!
BBC: London 2012: 'More to beach volleyball than bikinis'
Great Britain beach volleyball player Lucy Boulton has insisted there is a lot more to the sport than just scantily-clad women in bikinis.
Yes, I definitely seem to remember there is also a ball involved. And I think there might also be some sort of goal, or net.
Meanwhile, on another planet…
Public Service Announcement: Please choose reality-based therapies.
Y
I popped round to see Carolyn yestersday, and spotted a tree in her garden which reminded me of something. Can you guess what it reminded me of? It's a bit embarrassing:
Yes, that's right: it reminded me of an ash. But I'm pretty sure it was a sycamore!
Can't tell an ash from a sycamore! How bloody embarrassing!
Pants on fire
Oh dear. Home Secretary, Theresa May, has been misleading the British public about the Human Rights Act:
"We all know the stories… about the illegal immigrant who cannot be deported because, and I am not making this up," she made up, "he had a pet cat."
What everyone seems to have overlooked in the furore of what has been dubbed the cat-flap, is the real travesy of the Human Rights Act: the fact that people—be they British or foreign nationals—who own a pet cat are not immediately deported. Along with their sodding cats.
Hanging is too good for them.
Chan Singh his luck
Cold-caller (with a very strong Indian accent): Can I speak with the home-owner please?
Richard Carter: Hello, speaking.
CC: Hello, my name is Jackie. I am calling to tell you…
RC: What? Is your name really Jackie?
CC: Erm… Yes.
RC: Wow! I would never have had you down for a Jackie! What's your surname, Jackie, as a matter of interest?
CC: Erm… My name is Jackie… Chan.
RC: What, as in the movie star? The chap who does all that kung fu?
CC: Erm…
RC: He's great! Did you ever see that film where he fights with those ladders?
CC: …?
RC: … Is your name really Jackie Chan? That's amazing! Isn't he Chinese?
CC: Erm… My name is Jackie Chan Singh. Erm… My parents are big fans of his.
RC: Wow! That's totally unbelievable! How can I help you, Jackie?
CC: I am calling to tell you that your property qualifies for a government grant.
RC: Ooh, that's good! A government grant for what?
CC: A government grant for an upgrade.
RC: FANTASTIC!! Could I use it to build a tower? I've always wanted a tower!
CC: … I'm sorry, sir, I am having difficulty hearing what you are saying.
RC: Could… I… use… it… to… build… a… TO-WER?
CC: Did you say tower, sir?
RC: Yes. Like they have on castles. I've always wanted one. Could I use the government grant to build a tower on the side of my house?
CC: Erm…
RC: And possibly a moat?
At this point, the phone line went dead. A power cut wherever Jackie was calling from, I'll bet. Or something like that. I tried dialling 1471, but his number had been withheld. I suspect he'll call back when the power comes back on.
In the meantime, here is Jackie Chan—the Chinese one—fighting with the aforementioned ladders: