Judge not, lest ye be smirched

Dear, oh dear! The poor old Daily Heil is receiving some right stick from the unelected liberal elite for having the temerity to suggest that judges should base their decisions on what 52% of the British public has been duped into thinking it wants, rather than on any spurious legal arguments.

When you think about it, though, getting judges to make their rulings in line with what the Daily Heil tells its readers to think is a brilliant suggestion. The UK is desperately short of judges. Indeed, as the Heil was quick to point out, we're so short of judges, we're having to resort to employing openly gay men to make up their numbers. It's political correctness gone mad! I can only assume this shortage of judges must be down to the UK's notoriously rigorous judging exams.

Which is why the Heil's suggestion is so brilliant, you see. If we base our legal decisions on what it says in the leader pages of the tabloids, we don't need to put judges through rigorous judging exams any more; we just issue them with a copy of today's Daily Heil and a rubber stamp. Easy-peasy!

What could possibly go wrong?

Daily Heil

The leader page of the Daily Heil on Friday.

Compare and contrast

sun-jihadi-bollocksmail-england-bollocksfarage-poster-bollocks

guardian-jo-cox

Norse trading

While England slept, Norway was exporting record amounts of seafood last month:

The Norway Post: Record seafood export in October
The value of Norwegian seafood exports in October totalled NOK 7.3 billion, the highest ever for a single month, according to the latest figures from the Norwegian Seafood Council.

It's all down to their burgeoning salmon, mackerel and fjord trout trade, apparently.

Don't look for this story in any of the UK-based newspapers. They don't like success stories—especially Norwegian success stories. They would rather fob you off with tat about invading Romanian hordes, Miley Cyrus (no, me neither) smoking a suspicious-looking fag, and the Duchess of Cambridge's hair at a Remembrance Day parade. OK, when I say they, I mean the Daily Mail.

Far be it from me to give Gruts's competitors free advice, but the Mail is missing a trick, here: Norway is not an EU member, you see—so of course business is booming! If the Mail had reported this story, they could have ranted about the shameful state of the British seafood trade, no doubt blaming it on the Spanish for sneaking into our fjords under cover of dark and making off with all our trout. As it's the Spanish, they could even have referred to it as an armada (do you see what they could have done, there?). It's damned unprofessional, if you ask me. The Mail is letting down its core readership.

Me? I'm delighted for the Norwegians. They're a good bunch. They never seem to kick up a fuss; they just mind their own business, catching their trout and selling it to the Russians and Belarusians.

Go, Norway!

Norwegian flag

Life imitates Gruts

Rebekah Brooks today:

One day, the details of this case will emerge and people will see today as nothing more than an expensive sideshow…

Hmm… Sideshow eh? Well, she should know.

Remember, you heard it here first.

GINGER MOP-TOP JOURNO (43) IN SECRET OZZY ROMP

Or, as the Observer puts it:

George Osborne was dragged deeper into the furore over the Murdoch empire's links to government as it emerged that he entertained Rebekah Brooks for a weekend at his country residence as Rupert Murdoch was planning to take over BSkyB. […]

News of the weekend gathering will also increase pressure for Osborne to appear in person at the Leveson inquiry […] So far Osborne has been asked only to give written evidence, although his aides said he would now be happy to appear if asked.

What do you expect Osborne's aides to say: “He's shitting bricks”?

Anyway, I digress. Compare and contrast:

Brooks

Rebekah Brooks


Bob

Sideshow Bob from out of The Simpsons

… which I guess makes Murdoch Krusty the Clown.

It's the Sun wot done it

In the wake of last week's arrests, I was wondering whether the Sun newspaper would have enough journalists left to make up this week's news.

It turns out I needn't have worried. This morning's Sun shows absolutely no change in quality or impartiality:

Lags moan: Our hot chocolate’s too hot
PAMPERED lags are costing taxpayers thousands of pounds through trivial complaints like their COCOA being too hot.

60 stone British man is fattest in the world
A BRIT weighing nearly 60 stone has become the world's fattest man — after the previous record-holder went on a DIET.

Pizza diet could kill me, says scared Claire
A WOMAN who has eaten only cheese and tomato pizza for 31 years has been told she could DIE unless she quits her bizarre dining habit.

New dog food advert is mutt-see television
VIEWING figures will go through the woof tonight — with a telly commercial only DOGS can hear.

Witch-hunt puts us behind ex-Soviets on Press
THE Sun is not a "swamp" that needs draining. Nor are those other great News International titles, The Times and The Sunday Times. Yet in what would at any other time cause uproar in Parliament and among civil liberty and human rights campaigners, its journalists are being treated like members of an organised crime gang.

We can all sleep soundly in our beds, knowing that the Fourth Estate is still holding the world to account on our behalves.

Fascinating stuff, though. Do you think that, if Claire were to give up pizza, she really might live forever?

More of a Guardian reader myself

BBC: Sun 'stops chickenpox spreading'